tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40394080900924708132024-02-08T04:26:32.954-08:00The truth is out there . . . don't let it inThese posting are simply outlets for my rantings. Occasionally I will discuss things from my personal life but usually I will focus on things I see in the news. Given that it is an election year, most of my rantings will be about politics.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.comBlogger96125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-36782826133086731112008-11-26T10:09:00.001-08:002008-11-26T10:09:56.968-08:00Thank you mommyMy girls (age 5 and 6) have reached the age where flatulence is no longer just a bodily function. It is now funny. The girls were finishing dinner while my wife and I were in the kitchen. Every couple of seconds one of them would make a raspberry sound, say something and then both would start laughing. My wife and I were busy and they weren’t screaming so we didn’t pay much attention at first. After several minutes, we listened to what they were saying. “(Raspberry sound). Thank you mommy for adding a nice smell to dinner. (laughter). (Raspberry sound). Thank you dad for adding a nice smell to dinner. (laughter).The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-69505542673494751122008-11-21T10:38:00.000-08:002008-11-21T10:39:19.185-08:00Grandma's packingI was holding my baby boy at a family event. Suddenly I smelled something quite terrible coming from his diaper. I don’t mean to brag but Helmet Head has a high reek to size ratio and reek he did. Being a loving and caring father, I tickled his chin until he was laughing very adorably and handed him to his mother. I quickly walked away because my wife and I haven’t agreed on no-give-baby-backsies rules. After a moment’s pleasure in Helmet Head’s laughs, my wife passed our laughing and reeking son to a cousin before quickly walking away. From relative to relative our son passed until an aunt passed him to grandma. Grandma took him away to change him in a well ventilated room.<br /><br />Being a patriot, I asked myself, “How can my country benefit from what I just saw?” The answer is fairly obvious. Since people automatically walk away from the smell of dirty diapers, if we make all national secrets smell like dirty diapers so spy will still our information. They may pick it up but they won’t leave the building before handing it off to some security guard.<br /><br />Whenever proposing a major change in tactics, one must ask how would the competition respond. Clearly international spy services would start recruiting grandmas, who seem immune to dirty diapers. 007 would be obsolete but the Golden Girls would start packing heat.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-35529257565991860892008-11-17T14:55:00.000-08:002008-11-17T15:18:12.281-08:00Grandma MimiWe buried Grandma Mimi today. When I first started dated my wife, we visited Grandfather and Mimi at their home. Grandfather gave us some practical directions for the trip home for practical was Grandfather's way. Grandfather's directions were for a shortcut using <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">back roads</span> in the Northeast. Grandma Mimi didn't think one of the steps was clear and so interjected with a landmark. "Turn right at the flowers," she added. Off the back roads in the Northeast there are a lot of flowers. The floral landmark didn't help us find our way home but I will always find that landmark in my heart. With Grandma Mimi, there are always flowers.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-12389705283361324482008-11-13T11:24:00.001-08:002008-11-13T11:29:23.448-08:00Nancy BoyI have had a long standing rule that each child only has one insulting name at a time. My son, who's eight months, started as Nancy Boy but later had to wear a helmet causing his official name to change to Helmet Head. Nancy Boy was put on the bench. Last night, I attempted to feed Helmet Head Chicken and Stars soup made for babies. It was a paste with just a little bit of texture. The moment the paste passed Helmet Head's lips he gagged and threwup all of the Chicken and Stars as well as the jar of peas and brown rice I fed him earlier. Helmet Head is not able to handle Chicken and Stars paste therefore I will break my own rule and alternatively refer to him as Helmet Head and Nancy Boy.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-68408393205673967192008-11-08T18:55:00.000-08:002008-11-08T19:03:54.034-08:00Gym TimeFor the entire lives of my 5 year old and 6 year old my wife and I made a big deal about how strong they were. When they flexed their muscles we oohed. When they lifted pillows over their heads we awed. We pinched their flexed arms and exclaim, "How strong!" For awhile, we even pretended that their muscles were so strong that it hurt our fingers to pinch them. Between the two kids, that's 11 years of muscular encouragement.<br /><br />My 5 year old asked us what we did while they were at school. We told them that we were going to the gym. My 5 year old pinched my arm and said, "It's not so strong, Dad. Work harder." While I bit my tongue, holding in the nasty remark I would have made had anyone else said that, my 6 year old pinched my wife's flexed arms. "It's kind of soft, Mom," she said. Then she called to my 5 year old and said, "Pinch Mom. She's like a marshmallow." Now I had a whole new set of comments I knew better than to say.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-89080260055148574412008-11-07T10:24:00.000-08:002008-11-07T10:29:14.712-08:00General inviteI would like to extend an invitation to all of the naked old men in the gym's locker room to continue conversation on the treadmills. Generally speaking, the less likely I am to actually see your prostate, the more I will be engaged in your story about said prostate. So, come on. Put on your tighty whitey's and let's never talk in the locker room again.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-45763782259993720272008-11-06T19:42:00.000-08:002008-11-06T19:48:23.331-08:00Workless paradiseOk. I haven't been as productive this week as I had planned. Last Friday was my last day on the job. I spent much of the end of the week preparing to leave, so I didn't do my daily job hunting. I had to catch up with that. I had to file unemployment. My wife's grandmother had a stroke, so Tuesday we spent visiting her (after voting of course). All of this adds up to, I haven't been living my schedule.<br /><br />My wife has dragged my overweight self to the gym twice this week and will probably try to do it again tomorrow. The job hopes I had lined up seemed to be running thin. I think being home is throwing the kids off too. They like having me home, at least they better like having me home, but it is different.<br /><br />I'm hoping next week becomes a little smoother as all adjust a little better.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-23308888492756326712008-11-03T11:16:00.000-08:002008-11-03T11:20:40.243-08:00Daddy's homeToday is my first work day where I am unemployed. I used to come home from work and my daughters would sing, "Daddy's home from where he roam." Today as I came down the stairs they called, "Daddy's home from where he didn't roam." They are getting clever.<br /><br />Even though I wasn't rushing off to work, we were running late. I banned talking from breakfast to catch us back up. Once finished, dressed and ready to go out the door, the girls decided that they needed to make up for lost talking time by repeating everything. Once finished, dressed and ready to go out the door, the girls decided that they needed to make up for lost talking time by repeating everything.<br /><br />My wife managed to get me to the Y for a workout. I don't remember signing up for that when I was laid off. Working out is just cruel to someone in my condition. Besides, they don't let you take chocolate onto the treadmills. Barbarians.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-22586979109180983332008-10-28T10:16:00.001-07:002008-10-28T10:16:58.281-07:00Helmet Head - updateHelmet head had a scan yesterday. The helmet has been on for about a month and he has had some progress. He officially has improved from “mutant child” to “almost human.” In another month he won’t have an advantage in getting science fiction acting roles. I’m going to go call the SciFi channel now.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-38222870030481989212008-10-23T10:20:00.000-07:002008-10-23T10:21:19.074-07:00Automatic Flushing ToiletsI hate automatic flushing toilets. My hate for automatic flushing toilets is not just a surface level hate. It is multi-level. First, I hate these plumbing related beasts as a father. My daughters were always afraid of being flushed away. Children are not big enough to reliably be “seen” by the all seeing eye of the poop receptor, frequently leading to a premature flush while the child is on the toilet. Therefore, in addition to supporting the kid during sensitive operations and practicing defensive positions to keep the child away from suspicious stains, I would have to keep a free hand hovering over the red eye to prevent a flushing incident. Since the girls were also afraid of the noise, I had to maintain this position while wiping and dressing the kid.<br /> <br />On a more personal level I hate automatic flushing toilets because my shit stinks. I am a rather large person. In a normal size stall, it is impossible for me to give a courtesy flush. If I have been fortunate enough to secure a handicapped stall, I can swing my bare ass far enough to the side away from the red eye to give a friendly flush. When I’m protecting the child from the flush, any momentary lapse away from the red eye will trigger an unwanted flush but when I’m hanging my big naked bottom over the side, it takes about ten minutes to trigger the toilet. <br /><br />Finally, I hate automatic flush toilets during cleanup. As soon as I stand, I trigger that courtesy flush. You are welcome. Then I tend to my sanitary needs but this requires an additional flush. Again, when there are children involved a mere wave of my hand will cause an unwanted flush. When the toilet needs an additional rinse and I’m waving my hands in front of that little red eyed jerk, there’s no flush.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-20900350825623648982008-10-18T05:51:00.000-07:002008-10-18T05:53:26.165-07:00I'm right!I'm right! I'm right! I'm right! No matter how wrong I am, I'm right! My wife's throat hurts to the point she can't talk. Since she can't say I'm wrong then I must be right!The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-629694288756406952008-10-15T07:42:00.001-07:002008-10-15T07:42:40.739-07:00Looking goodI had a job interview on Monday. I came downstairs in suit and tie, looking my spiffiest. My two loving daughters, ages 5 and 6, were playing in the living room. My 5 year old says, “Daddy, you look the most hansom that I have ever seen you.” My 6 year old looks at me, standing proud and looking good, says, “What? Did you get a haircut or something?”The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-1650090799967225972008-10-14T07:04:00.001-07:002008-10-14T12:37:05.729-07:00Bed time 1, 2, 3'sMy six year old has trouble going to sleep. It is difficult for her to slow her mind down. She’ll start thinking about something and will stay up as late as she can to think about it. I’ve suggested vodka shots but (so far) my wife has interfered. A little while ago, I suggested that she try to count as high as she can. The monotony of counting, I reasoned, would lull her to sleep. It worked a few times but a couple of nights ago, I went in to check on her after suggesting the counting trick. She was bouncing in bed full of excitement. She had counted to 462!!!! I’m not sure how she was able to count past 461 but not make it to 463 but that is where she stopped. She was so excited about being able to count so high she didn’t go to sleep for another 20 minutes.<br /><br />I checked on her last night and she was having trouble sleeping. I started to suggest counting again but she told me, “That doesn’t work because I get so excited because I can count so high.” After indulging in a moment of parental pride, I had a flash of brilliance. “Honey,” I suggested, “how about counting down from 100.” I figured the numbers ran out and she wouldn’t have the issue of counting has high as she could. She would count down to zero and drift to sleep. I gave her a hug, indulged in some self-pride and went to bed. I checked on her a little while later. She was bouncing in bed. “Daddy, I’m down to negative 10 and I’m going to see how high in the negative numbers I can count!!!!” I just went back to bed.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-48635818721557484012008-10-09T08:30:00.001-07:002008-10-09T08:31:58.074-07:00Grounded by my seven month oldMy 7 month old grounded me, I think. I was feeding him a dinner of winter squash, which he loves. Baby Sammy eating winter squash is like watch Cookie Monster eat cookies before they became a once-in-awhile-food. I ran out of winter squash and tried to feed him some green bean mush. Baby Sammy is not a Cookie Monster like fan of green bean mush. In fact, Baby Sammy doesn’t care for green bean mush at all.<br /><br />He ate a couple of bites but quickly let show his displeasure. Fearing a diapered revolt, my wife brought me a new batch of winter squash. I had foolishly thought that switching back to a favorite food would appease the little one. Baby Sammy took two bites of the new winter squash and refused to take more. I could tell he was still hungry by the little clues only someone who’s been a parent can truly interpret. Of example, with his lips pressed firmly together he still screeched loud enough to drive his sisters from the room and he chubby little legs kept kicking his tray. Even with those subtle hints of hunger, Baby Sammy refused to take another bite of the food he loved.<br /><br />About ten minutes later and my third try, Baby Sammy started eating again and he ate every drop of winter squash. Cookie Monster leaves crumbs in his orgy of cookie eating love. Baby Sammy did not leave the tiniest drop of winter squash. I think Baby Sammy was punishing me for serving him that evil pile of green goo. He assumed that I love to feed him because I do twice a day and so he took that activity away for ten minutes so that I learned my lesson. I did learn my lesson. This morning I left the green goo in the refrigerator and served him carrots. Carrots are even better than winter squash on Baby Sammy’s scale.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-85643940363992682092008-10-08T06:59:00.001-07:002008-10-08T08:11:20.699-07:00Perfect BreastsI’ve heard that Christina Applegate had preventative double mastectomy and is now having reconstructive surgery. If she really wants to have the perfect breasts, I recommend installing a beer tap in one and T.V. remote in the other. No man could resist her.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-78067088797893529932008-10-07T13:21:00.000-07:002008-10-07T13:22:23.925-07:00Third political partyI believe is was Lewis Black who called the Republicans and the Democrats the party of no ideas and the part of bad ideas. I don’t remember which was which from his point of view but it hardly matters. The time has come for both the Republican and the Democratic parties to become a footnote in history filed under “Failed.”<br /><br />So what, I ask myself and any who wish to comment, tenets should a new party live by. Luckily, myself answered. Please see below and comment if you wish.<br /><br />1.) The party of political reform and accountability. This includes removing lobbyist from the political process and aggressively pursuing waste and misuse of public resources (mainly by politicians).<br />2.) The party of balanced budget. The federal government is not allowed to spend one penny more than it’s obligations.<br />3.) The party of investment in the future. Education, new businesses, science, technology and new manufacturing are to be focal points for this party. <br /> What would you add?The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-64109311880477471012008-10-06T06:38:00.000-07:002008-10-06T06:42:38.618-07:00Home sickI'm home sick today. I'm feeling ok but I was throwing up yesterday and haven't felt well all week. I told the kids that I'm going to stay home and relax while they go to school. My five year old said, "I have a great idea, Dad. You can watch us at karate today. It is very relaxing because you can just sit and watch the kids." I got the hint. As long as I'm not throwing again, this afternoon I'll go relax in karate.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-66872304102530138502008-10-03T13:13:00.001-07:002008-10-03T13:13:43.099-07:00Wooden Arrows and Idiots“We have acted boldly to prevent the crisis on Wall Street from becoming a crisis in communities across our country,” President Bush said when the house passed a pork barrel filled, embarrassingly ineffectively, anti-American bail out bill today. “Boldly” was the word he chose. When does acting boldly cross the line to acting foolishly?<br /><br />I believe the votes can be broken down into three groups. The first are people who actually believe we are in a financial crisis and that this package will prevent the worst fiscal crisis in our country’s history. I’ll call them the idiots.<br /><br />The second group in congress who voted for this bill has no real understanding of financial markets but President Bush scared them. In their panic, they are lashing the financial future of the country to any floating stick they can find. They’ll shove any good ideas under the surface just to keep themselves afloat. I’ll call this group the cowards.<br /><br />The final group who voted for this bill has been purchased by pork barrel projects. During this time of crisis, they stopped and said “what’s in it for me?” A great example is two Oregon representatives who switched their votes to yes once a provision protecting makers of children’s arrows was added. This provision is going to help a grand total of 9 companies in the nation, two of which are in Oregon. The country cried out for leadership and Senators Ron Wyden and Gordon Smith kicked the American people in the crotch. Luckily we will have wooden arrows to shoot at them. I ask the people of Oregon to vote against Senator Gordon Smith in 2008 and against Senator Ron Wyden in 2010. Oregon, stand up for your country and bring these two down.<br /><br />Let’s hop on over to my own state of Rhode Island, may it fall into the ocean. Representative Patrick Kennedy, who is only in politics out of some perverse aristocracy, tacked on a measure to provide mental health care for millions of Americans. Unlike the wooden arrow atrocity, I don’t fault the need for mental health assistance. This is true now more than ever as our politicians as well as our financial institutions screw the American public. I do get a sense of satisfaction knowing that the politicians are getting sloppy seconds. Speaking about messy stains, let’s get back to Patrick Kennedy. While the country needed sanity, he embraced a pet project and tacked it on to the biggest foolish blunder in American financial history. I will be voting against Patrick Kennedy in November and I ask other Rhode Islanders to do the same.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-79279566139337901332008-10-01T05:49:00.001-07:002008-10-02T05:20:25.521-07:00EmailMy 5 year old sent an email to me at work. She reads well for her age. When she writes words she isn't confident with yet she'll go around the house and find birthday cards, cereal boxes and toys that has the words she needs and copy the words from her sources to make her message.<br /><br />My email read, "Hi Daddy. Wii will see you at the end of the day. Love."<br /><br />Note that "we" is spelled "Wii".The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-39872739851334762732008-09-26T08:55:00.001-07:002008-09-26T08:55:40.224-07:00M ClassThere is a commercial that claims the BMW M class car senses when you are about to be in an accident and closes the windows. I assume BMW drivers want to windows closed so that no one can here them scream right before impact. I have few other useful suggestions of what the car might accomplish just before impact. It could spray some air freshener, just incase the drive craps himself. Perhaps clean underwear could pop out of the dashboard for the driver to change into. That assumes, of course, the closing windows haven’t decapitated the driver.<br /><br />The car could also start playing taps. There is nothing quite as sadly beautiful as taps playing at a military funeral. Additionally, the car could log into the drivers schedule and cancel the rest of today’s meetings. The driver will be otherwise occupied. Higher end versions of the car could cancel meetings based on the speed of impact. So if the car was only going 45 miles per hour at impact, it would only cancel today’s meetings. If it was traveling at 90 miles per hour, it would cancel meetings for a month.<br /><br />I’m not sure if drivers would be willing to pay extra for the next couple of ideas but if the car senses that it is about to be in an accident, perhaps it could . . . I don’t know . . . . maybe it could put on the brakes. How about if there is about to be an accident, a voice comes on the radio and says, “LOOK OUT!!!!” That might be useful.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-47960900212526486732008-09-23T12:35:00.000-07:002008-09-24T05:27:37.986-07:00Helmet HeadMy family is blessed with unusually powerful, almost god-like, intelligence. This blessing comes at a cost. Our brains are so heavy that it deforms our skulls when we are babies. The shear weight flattens out which ever side we sleep on the most. Because of this, Baby Sammy now has to wear a helmet to help round out his skull.<br /><br />That is the story I’m going to tell Baby Sammy when he’s old, unless he pisses me off. Then I’ll tell him his head was so empty his skull started to deflate like a party balloon as it looses air.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-59794282609775017332008-09-11T10:27:00.000-07:002008-09-11T10:47:02.789-07:00John McCain Calls Running Mate Governor Sarah Palin A Crybaby.This week Barack Obama was speaking about John McCain and Sarah Palin’s self-described “change” theme and said, “The other side, suddenly, they're saying 'we're for change too'. Now think about it, these are the same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years. You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. You can wrap up an old fish in a piece of paper and call it change. It's still going to stink after eight years. We've had enough.” John McCain’s campaign promptly issued a comment claiming that Sarah Palin was a crybaby and couldn’t handle mean things said about her. Governor Palin is especially sensitive to comments made by democrats as interpreted by propaganda machine talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as well as comments regarding pigs. Governor Palin does not appreciate discussions regarding animals that she is unable to shoot from a helicopter.<br /><br />Apparently, Governor Palin did not know that she should be offended by Senator Obama’s comments until McCain’s campaign told her that Obama really meant something completely different than what he said. Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager apparently owns the only known “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring in existence. This ring is reportedly able to translate messages coming from the Obama campaign into what Obama and Joe Biden really meant. According to Rick Davis's decoder ring, Senator Obama's comments can be translated as follows:<br /><br />"They're saying 'we're for change too" actually means "Republicans are the only ones for change."<br /><br />"The same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years" actually means "try try again. The republicans need another eight years to fix the screw ups they made the first eight. We should all give McBush a chance."<br /><br />"You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig" means "Obama hates you and Palin is a pig."<br /><br /> "We've had enough" means "Obama is a Muslim and Michelle Obama will eat your children if her husband is elected."<br /><br />Apparently Rick Davis was unable to translate Barack Obama’s lipstick on a pig comment and disseminate the translation to all of John McCain’s surrogates as John McCain’s daughter said that the pig comment was not a big deal because daddy says it all of the time.<br /><br />The accuracy of the decoder ring was recently put to the test when Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden said, “"I hear all this talk about how the Republicans are going to work in dealing with parents who have both the joy ... and the difficulty of raising a child who has a developmental disability, who were born with a birth defect. Well, guess what, folks? If you care about it, why don't you support stem cell research?" McCain’s campaign announced the translation of Biden’s comments as, “Governor Palin doesn’t love her Down Syndrome baby.”<br /><br />Unsubstainiated rumors claim the Obama to “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring was created by sorcorer Karl Rove who also created the “Votes over lives” decoder ring that was able to prove the existence of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, links between Osama Bin Laden and Iraq and that evangical Christianity is the only valid religion and all other religions should be shot from helicopters like the lame moose they are.<br /><br />While the McCain campaign has issued several statements along the lines of "You're rubber and I'm glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you," it has yet to respond to how John McCain and his 90% alignment with George Bush's policies represents changes. It has yet to respond to why is does not embrace life saving stem cell research or other scientific advances. It has yet to answer as to how Governor Palin spending the funds for the bridge to nowhere represents change from the pork enriched government.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-54346823511517513772008-09-06T19:42:00.000-07:002008-09-06T19:43:03.286-07:00That ungrateful bratMy wife took the kids to karate class. The older ones (5 and 6 years old) joined right in the exercise but Baby Sammy started to get fussy. My wife told the girls that she would walk Baby Sammy outside but would watch most of the class through the studio’s picture windows. A couple of minutes later my 6 year old catches my wife’s eye and starts jumping up and down excitedly. She’s holding one hand up in the air with thumb and index finger extended in an “L”. My wife just stood there. We don’t use the loser sign in our house, at least not where the kids can see. We’ve never seen either of the kids use it. This is the end of summer break and the girls haven’t been around other kids to learn it. Most importantly my wife had a good day with the girls. Why is the 6 year old calling my wife a loser and looking so happy about it. 10 seconds tick by. My daughter is still jumping. 20 seconds tick by. My wife’s jaw is still hanging in the wind. Then my wife notices that the pinky finger is also up, converting the “loser” hand single to an “I love you” sign language.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-33243309475953169712008-09-03T13:57:00.000-07:002008-09-03T14:00:11.880-07:00Guess the Evaporation RateBaby Sammy and I play a game at night called “guess the evaporation rate.” Baby Sammy doesn’t like to be wet yet despite the super absorbent nighttime diapers he will have two or three pee throughs over the course of the night. The game is played by feeling Baby Sammy’s clothes to see how wet they are and then trying to determine if they will dry enough for Baby Sammy to go back to sleep by the time he is done with his bottle or if he will need a change of clothes. While the rules of the game seem simple, there are many variables to consider. Obviously, you need to determine exactly how wet his clothes are. The extremes range from “barely noticeable” to “he splashes when I try to burp him.” Most pee throughs range somewhere between those extremes. One must also consider where the pee through is located on his clothes. A wet spot over his diaper is scored much differently than a wet spot under his armpit. Location of the wet spot is also important when considering how one holds Baby Sammy while feeding him. If both you and Baby Sammy are touching the wet spot while he drinks his bottle then the heat of both of your bodies evaporate the wet spot much quicker. Finally, one must consider how hungry Baby Sammy is likely to be. Typically he drinks less earlier in the night and more later in the night. This difference in feeding could double or triple the time the spot has to evaporate. One wins by minimizing the amount of time and effort one must exert before going back to bed.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4039408090092470813.post-61948166356166971652008-08-31T18:08:00.000-07:002008-09-01T18:02:59.760-07:00Baby bagThe first time we left the house with our first child it took my wife and I 45 minutes to leave the house. My wife had a list entitled “Check List For New Born Diaper Bag” from a book she bought. I had gone online and found a check list called “absolutely necessary items for your new born bag.” The lists were not the same so we had to check each of our lists against each other. When there was a discrepancy between the lists we went with the higher amount. For the hour trip we had five diapers, three changes of cloths, two changing pads, three bottles (even though my daughter was breast fed) and an array of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ointments</span>.<br /><br />Today we visited some friends who live an hour away and brought our third child. We were planning to stay a few hours so I threw in a couple of bottles. My wife had restocked the bag the other day. It was heavy when I tossed it into the minivan. After a couple of hours Baby Sammy started to cry, so we looked into the bag. There was a coloring book, two boxes of crayons, some mail we’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ve</span> been looking for, several toys and a diet coke. While there were two large bottles, there was only a half a bottle’s worth of formula. We gave Baby Sammy that and he calmed down. He <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">wasn</span>’t content but he was calm so we decided to stay for awhile longer. When it was time to leave, I went to change Baby Sammy since he <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">hadn</span>’t had a clean bottom in a while and his package was looking quite large. Baby Sammy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">doesn</span>’t like to be wet. The crayons <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">didn</span>’t help. The toys <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">didn</span>’t help. Nothing in the bag resembled a diaper. We decided it was time to head home in a hurry. As soon as we hit the freeway the minivan started to be unresponsive. We <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">didn</span>’t fill the gas tank either.<br /><br />We got off on the first exit that claimed to have a gas station. A mile off the freeway we <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">hadn</span>’t seen a gas station but saw many lovely trees. Then we saw the sign. It read, “Duck Crossing.” Rule of thumb, there are no gas stations near duck crossings.The cup is half full of something I don't likehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683679457196177381noreply@blogger.com1