John McCain Calls Running Mate Governor Sarah Palin A Crybaby.

This week Barack Obama was speaking about John McCain and Sarah Palin’s self-described “change” theme and said, “The other side, suddenly, they're saying 'we're for change too'. Now think about it, these are the same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years. You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. You can wrap up an old fish in a piece of paper and call it change. It's still going to stink after eight years. We've had enough.” John McCain’s campaign promptly issued a comment claiming that Sarah Palin was a crybaby and couldn’t handle mean things said about her. Governor Palin is especially sensitive to comments made by democrats as interpreted by propaganda machine talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as well as comments regarding pigs. Governor Palin does not appreciate discussions regarding animals that she is unable to shoot from a helicopter.

Apparently, Governor Palin did not know that she should be offended by Senator Obama’s comments until McCain’s campaign told her that Obama really meant something completely different than what he said. Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager apparently owns the only known “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring in existence. This ring is reportedly able to translate messages coming from the Obama campaign into what Obama and Joe Biden really meant. According to Rick Davis's decoder ring, Senator Obama's comments can be translated as follows:

"They're saying 'we're for change too" actually means "Republicans are the only ones for change."

"The same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years" actually means "try try again. The republicans need another eight years to fix the screw ups they made the first eight. We should all give McBush a chance."

"You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig" means "Obama hates you and Palin is a pig."

"We've had enough" means "Obama is a Muslim and Michelle Obama will eat your children if her husband is elected."

Apparently Rick Davis was unable to translate Barack Obama’s lipstick on a pig comment and disseminate the translation to all of John McCain’s surrogates as John McCain’s daughter said that the pig comment was not a big deal because daddy says it all of the time.

The accuracy of the decoder ring was recently put to the test when Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden said, “"I hear all this talk about how the Republicans are going to work in dealing with parents who have both the joy ... and the difficulty of raising a child who has a developmental disability, who were born with a birth defect. Well, guess what, folks? If you care about it, why don't you support stem cell research?" McCain’s campaign announced the translation of Biden’s comments as, “Governor Palin doesn’t love her Down Syndrome baby.”

Unsubstainiated rumors claim the Obama to “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring was created by sorcorer Karl Rove who also created the “Votes over lives” decoder ring that was able to prove the existence of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, links between Osama Bin Laden and Iraq and that evangical Christianity is the only valid religion and all other religions should be shot from helicopters like the lame moose they are.

While the McCain campaign has issued several statements along the lines of "You're rubber and I'm glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you," it has yet to respond to how John McCain and his 90% alignment with George Bush's policies represents changes. It has yet to respond to why is does not embrace life saving stem cell research or other scientific advances. It has yet to answer as to how Governor Palin spending the funds for the bridge to nowhere represents change from the pork enriched government.

Cindy McCain Buffalo Chip

I don’t know if there is any historical precedent for this but it was in the movie Troy, so how inaccurate could it be? Achilles is the hero of one army. Some mean looking giant of a fellow is the hero of another army. Instead of having tens of thousands fight and thousands die, Achilles and the giant fight. Achilles did some fancy ballet move and killed the giant, claiming victory for his army. The war was over no muss no fuss.

This week John McCain joked that his wife, Cindy, should enter the Buffalo Chip semi-nude hot chick contest in front of 50,000 bikers. I’m sure McCain was just joking. There’s no way that we would pimp out his wife for 50,000 votes. Would he?

What does champions fighting have to do with a presidential elects wife competing in a best breasts contests, you ask? I’ll tell you. Since McCain started the idea of utilizing his wife’s assets in this way, what if we go global with it? Instead of fighting battles where men and women on both sides of the conflict die horrible deaths, let’s have the spouses of leaders do hot body contests. Perhaps they could just do a bikini contest regarding conflicts over trade deals. Then we up the stakes to a wet T-shirt contest if the conflict involves hostages and the Full Monty instead of invading a country.

Another Geneva Convention would have to be held. Instead of setting rules of proper treatment for prisoners of war, it would have to set other standards, for example when is a thong appropriate in combat versus traditional bikini bottoms, can the T-shirts be cut or modified in anyway and what sort of augmentation are the champions allowed.

With war being fought by our champions, it may affect my vote. While Cindy McCain may be more physically appealing, Michelle Obama seems much smarter and has a stronger personality. I’ve always found intelligence and personality appealing. Ralph Nader or Bob Barr are out.

John McCain's Straight Talk left behind inflating tires

John McCain’s Straight Talk Express pulled over to inflate its tires at a local convenience store on Monday. Straight Talk went into the food market to pick up snacks for the spin group still hard at work on the bus. Unfortunately in all of the commotion, no one noticed Straight Talk had left the bus and the bus drove off, leaving Straight Talk behind.

Since Straight Talk was no longer allowed to participate in McCain’s strategy and communication team meetings, it’s disappearance wasn’t noticed until the following day when McCain campaign manager Rick Davis looked for Straight Talk for Rick Davis’s daily workout session of kicking Straight Talk’s tail around the bus. When Straight Talk could not be found, the McCain camp originally communicated through it’s honorary spokesmen, Fox News, that Barack Obama must have parted the seas and sent Paris Hilton and Britney Spears to abduct Straight Talk. Only once that accusation was proven false did secondary spokespersons Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity start accusing Obama of the abduction.

The McCain camp has forbidden Straight Talk from carrying a cell phone as Straight Talk might contradict all prior communications from the McCain camp. Straight Talk may communicate items such as Barack Obama’s energy plan has nothing to do with inflating tires or tire gauges, even though all professional automotive organizations and major McCain supporters Joe Lieberman, Mike Rogers, Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger have suggest proper vehicle maintenance to maximize fuel efficiency and that John McCain knows drilling will not significantly decrease gas prices. Additionally, there is concern that Straight Talk's communications would not provide news organizations, such as CBS with Katie Couric, enough time to edit Straight Talk's messages before releasing to the masses. McCain's communications team has stressed the absolute necessity of disporting their campaign leader's , namely John McCain's, replies before consumption by the American voter. The campaign's official position is that American citizen's right to know more about who is running for president only applies to Barack Obama.


Lacking any official means to communicate, Straight Talk remains missing. The McCain camp has released the following announcement, “While Straight Talk is dearly missed campaign obligations will prevent the McCain team from actively searching for Straight Talk until after November. Straight Talk, if you hear this message, know that you are loved and keep your mouth shut unless you are going to say Obama abducted you.”