Grounded by my seven month old

My 7 month old grounded me, I think. I was feeding him a dinner of winter squash, which he loves. Baby Sammy eating winter squash is like watch Cookie Monster eat cookies before they became a once-in-awhile-food. I ran out of winter squash and tried to feed him some green bean mush. Baby Sammy is not a Cookie Monster like fan of green bean mush. In fact, Baby Sammy doesn’t care for green bean mush at all.

He ate a couple of bites but quickly let show his displeasure. Fearing a diapered revolt, my wife brought me a new batch of winter squash. I had foolishly thought that switching back to a favorite food would appease the little one. Baby Sammy took two bites of the new winter squash and refused to take more. I could tell he was still hungry by the little clues only someone who’s been a parent can truly interpret. Of example, with his lips pressed firmly together he still screeched loud enough to drive his sisters from the room and he chubby little legs kept kicking his tray. Even with those subtle hints of hunger, Baby Sammy refused to take another bite of the food he loved.

About ten minutes later and my third try, Baby Sammy started eating again and he ate every drop of winter squash. Cookie Monster leaves crumbs in his orgy of cookie eating love. Baby Sammy did not leave the tiniest drop of winter squash. I think Baby Sammy was punishing me for serving him that evil pile of green goo. He assumed that I love to feed him because I do twice a day and so he took that activity away for ten minutes so that I learned my lesson. I did learn my lesson. This morning I left the green goo in the refrigerator and served him carrots. Carrots are even better than winter squash on Baby Sammy’s scale.

Helmet Head

My family is blessed with unusually powerful, almost god-like, intelligence. This blessing comes at a cost. Our brains are so heavy that it deforms our skulls when we are babies. The shear weight flattens out which ever side we sleep on the most. Because of this, Baby Sammy now has to wear a helmet to help round out his skull.

That is the story I’m going to tell Baby Sammy when he’s old, unless he pisses me off. Then I’ll tell him his head was so empty his skull started to deflate like a party balloon as it looses air.

Guess the Evaporation Rate

Baby Sammy and I play a game at night called “guess the evaporation rate.” Baby Sammy doesn’t like to be wet yet despite the super absorbent nighttime diapers he will have two or three pee throughs over the course of the night. The game is played by feeling Baby Sammy’s clothes to see how wet they are and then trying to determine if they will dry enough for Baby Sammy to go back to sleep by the time he is done with his bottle or if he will need a change of clothes. While the rules of the game seem simple, there are many variables to consider. Obviously, you need to determine exactly how wet his clothes are. The extremes range from “barely noticeable” to “he splashes when I try to burp him.” Most pee throughs range somewhere between those extremes. One must also consider where the pee through is located on his clothes. A wet spot over his diaper is scored much differently than a wet spot under his armpit. Location of the wet spot is also important when considering how one holds Baby Sammy while feeding him. If both you and Baby Sammy are touching the wet spot while he drinks his bottle then the heat of both of your bodies evaporate the wet spot much quicker. Finally, one must consider how hungry Baby Sammy is likely to be. Typically he drinks less earlier in the night and more later in the night. This difference in feeding could double or triple the time the spot has to evaporate. One wins by minimizing the amount of time and effort one must exert before going back to bed.

Baby bag

The first time we left the house with our first child it took my wife and I 45 minutes to leave the house. My wife had a list entitled “Check List For New Born Diaper Bag” from a book she bought. I had gone online and found a check list called “absolutely necessary items for your new born bag.” The lists were not the same so we had to check each of our lists against each other. When there was a discrepancy between the lists we went with the higher amount. For the hour trip we had five diapers, three changes of cloths, two changing pads, three bottles (even though my daughter was breast fed) and an array of ointments.

Today we visited some friends who live an hour away and brought our third child. We were planning to stay a few hours so I threw in a couple of bottles. My wife had restocked the bag the other day. It was heavy when I tossed it into the minivan. After a couple of hours Baby Sammy started to cry, so we looked into the bag. There was a coloring book, two boxes of crayons, some mail we’ve been looking for, several toys and a diet coke. While there were two large bottles, there was only a half a bottle’s worth of formula. We gave Baby Sammy that and he calmed down. He wasn’t content but he was calm so we decided to stay for awhile longer. When it was time to leave, I went to change Baby Sammy since he hadn’t had a clean bottom in a while and his package was looking quite large. Baby Sammy doesn’t like to be wet. The crayons didn’t help. The toys didn’t help. Nothing in the bag resembled a diaper. We decided it was time to head home in a hurry. As soon as we hit the freeway the minivan started to be unresponsive. We didn’t fill the gas tank either.

We got off on the first exit that claimed to have a gas station. A mile off the freeway we hadn’t seen a gas station but saw many lovely trees. Then we saw the sign. It read, “Duck Crossing.” Rule of thumb, there are no gas stations near duck crossings.

Oh man

The baby sleeps in another room but my wife and I have a monitor in his crib. Basically we can hear every burp, cry or other bodily noise. We don't have formal system on who gets the baby when he cries. Basically who ever hears him cry first has to measure what will be more difficult, feeding the kid or waking up the spouse and convincing him/her to go feed the baby. Last night the baby woke up at three and my wife wisely evaluated getting me up to feed the baby this time would be too difficult. Through the monitor I could hear my wife enter the baby's room. First she spoke to the baby to try and calm him without feeding him. She said something cute and in singsong. It didn't work. Then I heard fabric rubbing as my wife slid her hand across the sheets to pick him up. I tried to go back to sleep. Then she said, "oh man." It wasn't loud or upset but "oh man" usually means I can't go back to sleep. Baby Sammy did a pee-around. That is when is diaper is basically dry but everything around him was dripping wet. My wife grabbed and changed the kid. I changed the sheets. The rest of the day, I yelled a lot.