Wednesday, May 14, 2008

McCain's Narrow Road

McCain walks a narrow road to nomination. On one side of the road lives the conservative republican base. On the other side of the road live moderate independents. He cannot win the general election without the support of both groups. Unfortunately for McCain, the conservatives and the independents disagree more frequently than they agree. Opposite to the grape logic first espoused by Karate Kid’s trainer Miyagi, if McCain walks on one side of the road his general election chances will be squished just like a grape. If McCain walks on the other side of the road, his general election chances will be squished just like a grape. The only way to general election is to stand firmly in the middle of that narrow road.
There is a complication to taking the middle of the road in politics. All politics necessitates pandering. As McCain panders to the middle about his success in environmental responsibility, the Conservatives gather on one side of the road and wonder if McCain will put the environment before their economic interests. They wonder if McCain values caribou more than oil. The Conservatives don’t like that. “Being stewards of god’s world is a worthy cause”, the Conservatives argue, “as long as they don’t actually have to do anything or pay for it.” McCain panders to the Conservatives by telling them the secret code; “environmental responsibility equals more nuclear plants.” “Ok”, the Conservatives sigh, “maybe McCain isn’t so terrible after all with all of his environmental protection talk.” On the other side of the road the independents gather. “Nuclear power?” they ask. “Has someone figured out how to keep nuclear material out of terrorists’ hands or to keep it safe for the tens of thousands of years required for nuclear waste to become safe? No? That doesn’t sound very environmentally responsible.”
McCain quickly switches subjects. “Illegal immigration!” he shouts. To the Conservatives he whispers, “I’ll close the board and won’t give amnesty to the illegals.” To the independents he explains, “While I won’t give them amnesty and won’t make them leave the country and I’ll provide a path to citizenship. The path will be shorter and easier than anyone who attempts to become a citizen legally but it is not amnesty.” “Whew,” each side of the road says, as long as they haven’t heard him whisper to the other side.
“What about Iraq and the war on terror?” the Conservatives ask. “We’ll stay in Iraq as long as necessary. We’ll pore billions of needed funds into the Iraq sand, continually stoke Muslim anger and keep so many of our troops there that we won’t be able to respond to any actual threat.” “That’s better,” the Conservatives sigh. “At least we won’t have those pesky billions of dollars being invested in our own economy,” they applaud. “Excuse me,” the independents ask. “What about keeping our sons and daughters alive to defend American from any actual threat, for example Russia, China or Iran? What about the constant drain on our economy?” “Don’t worry,” McCain assures the independents. “We’ll only keep them in Iraq only if nobody is shooting at them. The troops will only stay there if they aren’t actually needed. It will be like sending our patriotic sons and daughters to a desert spa.” “By that logic,” independents ask, “the troops shouldn’t be in Iraq now. After all, aren’t people shooting at them now? I don’t think it feels very spa like at the moment.”
As McCain runs back and forth between to two sides of his little road to the white house a large truck speeds down it. “Obama” is written clearly on the side. Thick chains attached to the truck pull large anchors with the names “Wright” and “Ayers” engraved on them. The anchors dig into the pavement the slow the trucks momentum. As of today, it is unclear whether the anchors will slow the truck enough for McCain to zigzag all the way down the road to the white house or if the truck will simply squish McCain just like a grape.

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