Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thank you mommy

My girls (age 5 and 6) have reached the age where flatulence is no longer just a bodily function. It is now funny. The girls were finishing dinner while my wife and I were in the kitchen. Every couple of seconds one of them would make a raspberry sound, say something and then both would start laughing. My wife and I were busy and they weren’t screaming so we didn’t pay much attention at first. After several minutes, we listened to what they were saying. “(Raspberry sound). Thank you mommy for adding a nice smell to dinner. (laughter). (Raspberry sound). Thank you dad for adding a nice smell to dinner. (laughter).

Friday, November 21, 2008

Grandma's packing

I was holding my baby boy at a family event. Suddenly I smelled something quite terrible coming from his diaper. I don’t mean to brag but Helmet Head has a high reek to size ratio and reek he did. Being a loving and caring father, I tickled his chin until he was laughing very adorably and handed him to his mother. I quickly walked away because my wife and I haven’t agreed on no-give-baby-backsies rules. After a moment’s pleasure in Helmet Head’s laughs, my wife passed our laughing and reeking son to a cousin before quickly walking away. From relative to relative our son passed until an aunt passed him to grandma. Grandma took him away to change him in a well ventilated room.

Being a patriot, I asked myself, “How can my country benefit from what I just saw?” The answer is fairly obvious. Since people automatically walk away from the smell of dirty diapers, if we make all national secrets smell like dirty diapers so spy will still our information. They may pick it up but they won’t leave the building before handing it off to some security guard.

Whenever proposing a major change in tactics, one must ask how would the competition respond. Clearly international spy services would start recruiting grandmas, who seem immune to dirty diapers. 007 would be obsolete but the Golden Girls would start packing heat.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Grandma Mimi

We buried Grandma Mimi today. When I first started dated my wife, we visited Grandfather and Mimi at their home. Grandfather gave us some practical directions for the trip home for practical was Grandfather's way. Grandfather's directions were for a shortcut using back roads in the Northeast. Grandma Mimi didn't think one of the steps was clear and so interjected with a landmark. "Turn right at the flowers," she added. Off the back roads in the Northeast there are a lot of flowers. The floral landmark didn't help us find our way home but I will always find that landmark in my heart. With Grandma Mimi, there are always flowers.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Nancy Boy

I have had a long standing rule that each child only has one insulting name at a time. My son, who's eight months, started as Nancy Boy but later had to wear a helmet causing his official name to change to Helmet Head. Nancy Boy was put on the bench. Last night, I attempted to feed Helmet Head Chicken and Stars soup made for babies. It was a paste with just a little bit of texture. The moment the paste passed Helmet Head's lips he gagged and threwup all of the Chicken and Stars as well as the jar of peas and brown rice I fed him earlier. Helmet Head is not able to handle Chicken and Stars paste therefore I will break my own rule and alternatively refer to him as Helmet Head and Nancy Boy.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Gym Time

For the entire lives of my 5 year old and 6 year old my wife and I made a big deal about how strong they were. When they flexed their muscles we oohed. When they lifted pillows over their heads we awed. We pinched their flexed arms and exclaim, "How strong!" For awhile, we even pretended that their muscles were so strong that it hurt our fingers to pinch them. Between the two kids, that's 11 years of muscular encouragement.

My 5 year old asked us what we did while they were at school. We told them that we were going to the gym. My 5 year old pinched my arm and said, "It's not so strong, Dad. Work harder." While I bit my tongue, holding in the nasty remark I would have made had anyone else said that, my 6 year old pinched my wife's flexed arms. "It's kind of soft, Mom," she said. Then she called to my 5 year old and said, "Pinch Mom. She's like a marshmallow." Now I had a whole new set of comments I knew better than to say.

Friday, November 7, 2008

General invite

I would like to extend an invitation to all of the naked old men in the gym's locker room to continue conversation on the treadmills. Generally speaking, the less likely I am to actually see your prostate, the more I will be engaged in your story about said prostate. So, come on. Put on your tighty whitey's and let's never talk in the locker room again.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Workless paradise

Ok. I haven't been as productive this week as I had planned. Last Friday was my last day on the job. I spent much of the end of the week preparing to leave, so I didn't do my daily job hunting. I had to catch up with that. I had to file unemployment. My wife's grandmother had a stroke, so Tuesday we spent visiting her (after voting of course). All of this adds up to, I haven't been living my schedule.

My wife has dragged my overweight self to the gym twice this week and will probably try to do it again tomorrow. The job hopes I had lined up seemed to be running thin. I think being home is throwing the kids off too. They like having me home, at least they better like having me home, but it is different.

I'm hoping next week becomes a little smoother as all adjust a little better.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Daddy's home

Today is my first work day where I am unemployed. I used to come home from work and my daughters would sing, "Daddy's home from where he roam." Today as I came down the stairs they called, "Daddy's home from where he didn't roam." They are getting clever.

Even though I wasn't rushing off to work, we were running late. I banned talking from breakfast to catch us back up. Once finished, dressed and ready to go out the door, the girls decided that they needed to make up for lost talking time by repeating everything. Once finished, dressed and ready to go out the door, the girls decided that they needed to make up for lost talking time by repeating everything.

My wife managed to get me to the Y for a workout. I don't remember signing up for that when I was laid off. Working out is just cruel to someone in my condition. Besides, they don't let you take chocolate onto the treadmills. Barbarians.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Helmet Head - update

Helmet head had a scan yesterday. The helmet has been on for about a month and he has had some progress. He officially has improved from “mutant child” to “almost human.” In another month he won’t have an advantage in getting science fiction acting roles. I’m going to go call the SciFi channel now.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Automatic Flushing Toilets

I hate automatic flushing toilets. My hate for automatic flushing toilets is not just a surface level hate. It is multi-level. First, I hate these plumbing related beasts as a father. My daughters were always afraid of being flushed away. Children are not big enough to reliably be “seen” by the all seeing eye of the poop receptor, frequently leading to a premature flush while the child is on the toilet. Therefore, in addition to supporting the kid during sensitive operations and practicing defensive positions to keep the child away from suspicious stains, I would have to keep a free hand hovering over the red eye to prevent a flushing incident. Since the girls were also afraid of the noise, I had to maintain this position while wiping and dressing the kid.

On a more personal level I hate automatic flushing toilets because my shit stinks. I am a rather large person. In a normal size stall, it is impossible for me to give a courtesy flush. If I have been fortunate enough to secure a handicapped stall, I can swing my bare ass far enough to the side away from the red eye to give a friendly flush. When I’m protecting the child from the flush, any momentary lapse away from the red eye will trigger an unwanted flush but when I’m hanging my big naked bottom over the side, it takes about ten minutes to trigger the toilet.

Finally, I hate automatic flush toilets during cleanup. As soon as I stand, I trigger that courtesy flush. You are welcome. Then I tend to my sanitary needs but this requires an additional flush. Again, when there are children involved a mere wave of my hand will cause an unwanted flush. When the toilet needs an additional rinse and I’m waving my hands in front of that little red eyed jerk, there’s no flush.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I'm right!

I'm right! I'm right! I'm right! No matter how wrong I am, I'm right! My wife's throat hurts to the point she can't talk. Since she can't say I'm wrong then I must be right!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Looking good

I had a job interview on Monday. I came downstairs in suit and tie, looking my spiffiest. My two loving daughters, ages 5 and 6, were playing in the living room. My 5 year old says, “Daddy, you look the most hansom that I have ever seen you.” My 6 year old looks at me, standing proud and looking good, says, “What? Did you get a haircut or something?”

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bed time 1, 2, 3's

My six year old has trouble going to sleep. It is difficult for her to slow her mind down. She’ll start thinking about something and will stay up as late as she can to think about it. I’ve suggested vodka shots but (so far) my wife has interfered. A little while ago, I suggested that she try to count as high as she can. The monotony of counting, I reasoned, would lull her to sleep. It worked a few times but a couple of nights ago, I went in to check on her after suggesting the counting trick. She was bouncing in bed full of excitement. She had counted to 462!!!! I’m not sure how she was able to count past 461 but not make it to 463 but that is where she stopped. She was so excited about being able to count so high she didn’t go to sleep for another 20 minutes.

I checked on her last night and she was having trouble sleeping. I started to suggest counting again but she told me, “That doesn’t work because I get so excited because I can count so high.” After indulging in a moment of parental pride, I had a flash of brilliance. “Honey,” I suggested, “how about counting down from 100.” I figured the numbers ran out and she wouldn’t have the issue of counting has high as she could. She would count down to zero and drift to sleep. I gave her a hug, indulged in some self-pride and went to bed. I checked on her a little while later. She was bouncing in bed. “Daddy, I’m down to negative 10 and I’m going to see how high in the negative numbers I can count!!!!” I just went back to bed.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Grounded by my seven month old

My 7 month old grounded me, I think. I was feeding him a dinner of winter squash, which he loves. Baby Sammy eating winter squash is like watch Cookie Monster eat cookies before they became a once-in-awhile-food. I ran out of winter squash and tried to feed him some green bean mush. Baby Sammy is not a Cookie Monster like fan of green bean mush. In fact, Baby Sammy doesn’t care for green bean mush at all.

He ate a couple of bites but quickly let show his displeasure. Fearing a diapered revolt, my wife brought me a new batch of winter squash. I had foolishly thought that switching back to a favorite food would appease the little one. Baby Sammy took two bites of the new winter squash and refused to take more. I could tell he was still hungry by the little clues only someone who’s been a parent can truly interpret. Of example, with his lips pressed firmly together he still screeched loud enough to drive his sisters from the room and he chubby little legs kept kicking his tray. Even with those subtle hints of hunger, Baby Sammy refused to take another bite of the food he loved.

About ten minutes later and my third try, Baby Sammy started eating again and he ate every drop of winter squash. Cookie Monster leaves crumbs in his orgy of cookie eating love. Baby Sammy did not leave the tiniest drop of winter squash. I think Baby Sammy was punishing me for serving him that evil pile of green goo. He assumed that I love to feed him because I do twice a day and so he took that activity away for ten minutes so that I learned my lesson. I did learn my lesson. This morning I left the green goo in the refrigerator and served him carrots. Carrots are even better than winter squash on Baby Sammy’s scale.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Perfect Breasts

I’ve heard that Christina Applegate had preventative double mastectomy and is now having reconstructive surgery. If she really wants to have the perfect breasts, I recommend installing a beer tap in one and T.V. remote in the other. No man could resist her.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Third political party

I believe is was Lewis Black who called the Republicans and the Democrats the party of no ideas and the part of bad ideas. I don’t remember which was which from his point of view but it hardly matters. The time has come for both the Republican and the Democratic parties to become a footnote in history filed under “Failed.”

So what, I ask myself and any who wish to comment, tenets should a new party live by. Luckily, myself answered. Please see below and comment if you wish.

1.) The party of political reform and accountability. This includes removing lobbyist from the political process and aggressively pursuing waste and misuse of public resources (mainly by politicians).
2.) The party of balanced budget. The federal government is not allowed to spend one penny more than it’s obligations.
3.) The party of investment in the future. Education, new businesses, science, technology and new manufacturing are to be focal points for this party.
What would you add?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Home sick

I'm home sick today. I'm feeling ok but I was throwing up yesterday and haven't felt well all week. I told the kids that I'm going to stay home and relax while they go to school. My five year old said, "I have a great idea, Dad. You can watch us at karate today. It is very relaxing because you can just sit and watch the kids." I got the hint. As long as I'm not throwing again, this afternoon I'll go relax in karate.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Wooden Arrows and Idiots

“We have acted boldly to prevent the crisis on Wall Street from becoming a crisis in communities across our country,” President Bush said when the house passed a pork barrel filled, embarrassingly ineffectively, anti-American bail out bill today. “Boldly” was the word he chose. When does acting boldly cross the line to acting foolishly?

I believe the votes can be broken down into three groups. The first are people who actually believe we are in a financial crisis and that this package will prevent the worst fiscal crisis in our country’s history. I’ll call them the idiots.

The second group in congress who voted for this bill has no real understanding of financial markets but President Bush scared them. In their panic, they are lashing the financial future of the country to any floating stick they can find. They’ll shove any good ideas under the surface just to keep themselves afloat. I’ll call this group the cowards.

The final group who voted for this bill has been purchased by pork barrel projects. During this time of crisis, they stopped and said “what’s in it for me?” A great example is two Oregon representatives who switched their votes to yes once a provision protecting makers of children’s arrows was added. This provision is going to help a grand total of 9 companies in the nation, two of which are in Oregon. The country cried out for leadership and Senators Ron Wyden and Gordon Smith kicked the American people in the crotch. Luckily we will have wooden arrows to shoot at them. I ask the people of Oregon to vote against Senator Gordon Smith in 2008 and against Senator Ron Wyden in 2010. Oregon, stand up for your country and bring these two down.

Let’s hop on over to my own state of Rhode Island, may it fall into the ocean. Representative Patrick Kennedy, who is only in politics out of some perverse aristocracy, tacked on a measure to provide mental health care for millions of Americans. Unlike the wooden arrow atrocity, I don’t fault the need for mental health assistance. This is true now more than ever as our politicians as well as our financial institutions screw the American public. I do get a sense of satisfaction knowing that the politicians are getting sloppy seconds. Speaking about messy stains, let’s get back to Patrick Kennedy. While the country needed sanity, he embraced a pet project and tacked it on to the biggest foolish blunder in American financial history. I will be voting against Patrick Kennedy in November and I ask other Rhode Islanders to do the same.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


My 5 year old sent an email to me at work. She reads well for her age. When she writes words she isn't confident with yet she'll go around the house and find birthday cards, cereal boxes and toys that has the words she needs and copy the words from her sources to make her message.

My email read, "Hi Daddy. Wii will see you at the end of the day. Love."

Note that "we" is spelled "Wii".

Friday, September 26, 2008

M Class

There is a commercial that claims the BMW M class car senses when you are about to be in an accident and closes the windows. I assume BMW drivers want to windows closed so that no one can here them scream right before impact. I have few other useful suggestions of what the car might accomplish just before impact. It could spray some air freshener, just incase the drive craps himself. Perhaps clean underwear could pop out of the dashboard for the driver to change into. That assumes, of course, the closing windows haven’t decapitated the driver.

The car could also start playing taps. There is nothing quite as sadly beautiful as taps playing at a military funeral. Additionally, the car could log into the drivers schedule and cancel the rest of today’s meetings. The driver will be otherwise occupied. Higher end versions of the car could cancel meetings based on the speed of impact. So if the car was only going 45 miles per hour at impact, it would only cancel today’s meetings. If it was traveling at 90 miles per hour, it would cancel meetings for a month.

I’m not sure if drivers would be willing to pay extra for the next couple of ideas but if the car senses that it is about to be in an accident, perhaps it could . . . I don’t know . . . . maybe it could put on the brakes. How about if there is about to be an accident, a voice comes on the radio and says, “LOOK OUT!!!!” That might be useful.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Helmet Head

My family is blessed with unusually powerful, almost god-like, intelligence. This blessing comes at a cost. Our brains are so heavy that it deforms our skulls when we are babies. The shear weight flattens out which ever side we sleep on the most. Because of this, Baby Sammy now has to wear a helmet to help round out his skull.

That is the story I’m going to tell Baby Sammy when he’s old, unless he pisses me off. Then I’ll tell him his head was so empty his skull started to deflate like a party balloon as it looses air.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

John McCain Calls Running Mate Governor Sarah Palin A Crybaby.

This week Barack Obama was speaking about John McCain and Sarah Palin’s self-described “change” theme and said, “The other side, suddenly, they're saying 'we're for change too'. Now think about it, these are the same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years. You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. You can wrap up an old fish in a piece of paper and call it change. It's still going to stink after eight years. We've had enough.” John McCain’s campaign promptly issued a comment claiming that Sarah Palin was a crybaby and couldn’t handle mean things said about her. Governor Palin is especially sensitive to comments made by democrats as interpreted by propaganda machine talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as well as comments regarding pigs. Governor Palin does not appreciate discussions regarding animals that she is unable to shoot from a helicopter.

Apparently, Governor Palin did not know that she should be offended by Senator Obama’s comments until McCain’s campaign told her that Obama really meant something completely different than what he said. Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager apparently owns the only known “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring in existence. This ring is reportedly able to translate messages coming from the Obama campaign into what Obama and Joe Biden really meant. According to Rick Davis's decoder ring, Senator Obama's comments can be translated as follows:

"They're saying 'we're for change too" actually means "Republicans are the only ones for change."

"The same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years" actually means "try try again. The republicans need another eight years to fix the screw ups they made the first eight. We should all give McBush a chance."

"You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig" means "Obama hates you and Palin is a pig."

"We've had enough" means "Obama is a Muslim and Michelle Obama will eat your children if her husband is elected."

Apparently Rick Davis was unable to translate Barack Obama’s lipstick on a pig comment and disseminate the translation to all of John McCain’s surrogates as John McCain’s daughter said that the pig comment was not a big deal because daddy says it all of the time.

The accuracy of the decoder ring was recently put to the test when Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden said, “"I hear all this talk about how the Republicans are going to work in dealing with parents who have both the joy ... and the difficulty of raising a child who has a developmental disability, who were born with a birth defect. Well, guess what, folks? If you care about it, why don't you support stem cell research?" McCain’s campaign announced the translation of Biden’s comments as, “Governor Palin doesn’t love her Down Syndrome baby.”

Unsubstainiated rumors claim the Obama to “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring was created by sorcorer Karl Rove who also created the “Votes over lives” decoder ring that was able to prove the existence of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, links between Osama Bin Laden and Iraq and that evangical Christianity is the only valid religion and all other religions should be shot from helicopters like the lame moose they are.

While the McCain campaign has issued several statements along the lines of "You're rubber and I'm glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you," it has yet to respond to how John McCain and his 90% alignment with George Bush's policies represents changes. It has yet to respond to why is does not embrace life saving stem cell research or other scientific advances. It has yet to answer as to how Governor Palin spending the funds for the bridge to nowhere represents change from the pork enriched government.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

That ungrateful brat

My wife took the kids to karate class. The older ones (5 and 6 years old) joined right in the exercise but Baby Sammy started to get fussy. My wife told the girls that she would walk Baby Sammy outside but would watch most of the class through the studio’s picture windows. A couple of minutes later my 6 year old catches my wife’s eye and starts jumping up and down excitedly. She’s holding one hand up in the air with thumb and index finger extended in an “L”. My wife just stood there. We don’t use the loser sign in our house, at least not where the kids can see. We’ve never seen either of the kids use it. This is the end of summer break and the girls haven’t been around other kids to learn it. Most importantly my wife had a good day with the girls. Why is the 6 year old calling my wife a loser and looking so happy about it. 10 seconds tick by. My daughter is still jumping. 20 seconds tick by. My wife’s jaw is still hanging in the wind. Then my wife notices that the pinky finger is also up, converting the “loser” hand single to an “I love you” sign language.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Guess the Evaporation Rate

Baby Sammy and I play a game at night called “guess the evaporation rate.” Baby Sammy doesn’t like to be wet yet despite the super absorbent nighttime diapers he will have two or three pee throughs over the course of the night. The game is played by feeling Baby Sammy’s clothes to see how wet they are and then trying to determine if they will dry enough for Baby Sammy to go back to sleep by the time he is done with his bottle or if he will need a change of clothes. While the rules of the game seem simple, there are many variables to consider. Obviously, you need to determine exactly how wet his clothes are. The extremes range from “barely noticeable” to “he splashes when I try to burp him.” Most pee throughs range somewhere between those extremes. One must also consider where the pee through is located on his clothes. A wet spot over his diaper is scored much differently than a wet spot under his armpit. Location of the wet spot is also important when considering how one holds Baby Sammy while feeding him. If both you and Baby Sammy are touching the wet spot while he drinks his bottle then the heat of both of your bodies evaporate the wet spot much quicker. Finally, one must consider how hungry Baby Sammy is likely to be. Typically he drinks less earlier in the night and more later in the night. This difference in feeding could double or triple the time the spot has to evaporate. One wins by minimizing the amount of time and effort one must exert before going back to bed.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Baby bag

The first time we left the house with our first child it took my wife and I 45 minutes to leave the house. My wife had a list entitled “Check List For New Born Diaper Bag” from a book she bought. I had gone online and found a check list called “absolutely necessary items for your new born bag.” The lists were not the same so we had to check each of our lists against each other. When there was a discrepancy between the lists we went with the higher amount. For the hour trip we had five diapers, three changes of cloths, two changing pads, three bottles (even though my daughter was breast fed) and an array of ointments.

Today we visited some friends who live an hour away and brought our third child. We were planning to stay a few hours so I threw in a couple of bottles. My wife had restocked the bag the other day. It was heavy when I tossed it into the minivan. After a couple of hours Baby Sammy started to cry, so we looked into the bag. There was a coloring book, two boxes of crayons, some mail we’ve been looking for, several toys and a diet coke. While there were two large bottles, there was only a half a bottle’s worth of formula. We gave Baby Sammy that and he calmed down. He wasn’t content but he was calm so we decided to stay for awhile longer. When it was time to leave, I went to change Baby Sammy since he hadn’t had a clean bottom in a while and his package was looking quite large. Baby Sammy doesn’t like to be wet. The crayons didn’t help. The toys didn’t help. Nothing in the bag resembled a diaper. We decided it was time to head home in a hurry. As soon as we hit the freeway the minivan started to be unresponsive. We didn’t fill the gas tank either.

We got off on the first exit that claimed to have a gas station. A mile off the freeway we hadn’t seen a gas station but saw many lovely trees. Then we saw the sign. It read, “Duck Crossing.” Rule of thumb, there are no gas stations near duck crossings.

Friday, August 29, 2008

crappy boy

My wife was holding Baby Sammy and we were both making cute little baby talk to him. His expression changed a little and his aroma changed a lot. In the same tone as I was just talking to him, I asked, "Sammy are you a crappy boy?" His face squished up, his lip assumed pout position and he shook his head vigorously. He claimed he is not a crappy boy. I still had to wipe something off his little butt.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Giving my wife the finger

I was in an argument at work. I came home angry and started pouring my heart out to my wife. As I passionately told her my story, I punctuated each point with a hand gesture but my wife kept looking around the room. When I needed her to listen, she wouldn’t look at me. I started to get angry with her and snapped at her to listen to me. She said, “I’m trying but you keep pointing. I’m trying to see what you are pointing at.” Apparently my punctuations were done with my indexed finger extended for all apparent purposes. . . me pointing.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

peeing on my floor

I came home and my wife calls out in a cheery voice, “Daddy, do you know what your daughter did? She peed on the floor. Isn’t that great? We have to get her a reward.”

My wife sounded sober and there were no near empty margarita glasses near her. I could detect no sarcasm in her voice and no invitation for me to honestly answer exactly how great I thought it was for my daughter peed on my floor. My daughter looked proud of peeing on my floor.

“Alright!” I unconvincingly cheer. “Good job honey!”

Today, my wife was getting ready to give the girls a bath. She had them go to their rooms and undress. My youngest daughter came running out of her room (naked) and pisses all over the hallway. My wife started to get upset but then my oldest daughter spoke up.

Apparently yesterday my daughter had yet another accident on the carpet in our house that is mostly wood floors. My wife, in frustration, tells my daughter if she is going to have an accident try to have it on the wood floor. It is easier to clean there. So when my youngest daughter peed on the hardwood floor in the hallway instead of on the carpet in her room, she was doing as she was told. We celebrated.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Top 5 recommended amount of corner time

In my house we use time outs in the corner as punishment. My wife and I investigated what a reasonable amount of time in the corner would be. Generally speaking the various sources all agreed that 1 minute in the corner per year of the child’s age is effective without being unreasonable. My wife and I have come up with alternative recommendations:

1.) Stay in the corner until I’m not mad anymore – a great parental tool for when the kids a driving you crazy and breaking everything in their room seems like a good idea.

2.) Stay in the corner until I finish dinner – this is a good one if you have a nice steak for dinner. If you spend time fighting with the kids, the steak will cool and not be so enjoyable. Some times I don’t wait for the kids to do anything wrong. I just send them in the corner based on how good dinner smells while its cooking.

3.) Stay in the corner until you can tell my why I sent you into the corner – this is most effective if you can’t remember why you are punishing the kids but you are sure that they deserve punishment.

4.) Stay in the corner until you sister leaves – this time is most effective when the kids seem drawn to fight and one of them is going somewhere anyway. You can’t put the one who is leaving in the corner because then she couldn’t get ready.

5.) Stay in the corner until I leave – I’ve found that this one is most effective for me when I’m running late for going to work. I little time out is just what I need.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Middle Aged Dementia

I grew up in an age where computers were the norm. Every child had some version of a computer at home, although most of us didn’t know what to do with it. I remember a Texas Instruments that we owned. Every couple of minutes you had to swap cartridges to give the thing the next section of code. My brother was the best programmer I knew at the time because he was able to program the screen to change colors to the beat of a Pink Floyd LP. He had to adjust the timing if the weather was too hot or cold.

I never considered myself a programmer but I stay fairly competent with the programs I used regularly. Since I work in an office, I mainly used spreadsheets and occasionally looked up something on the internet. Now that I’ve started blogging I realize just how much I need to learn. It isn’t enough to blog but apparently I’m supposed to have myspace, facebook and youtube too (or is it you tube). I’ve never used google as a verb in a sentence. I did try to use yahoo as a verb once but that didn’t go over too well. Do you know that I actually shop in this thing called a mall. I have never purchased anything from ebay and I think craigslist should be craig’s business and no one elses’. Leave poor craig alone.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Flying on empty

Pilots and flight dispatchers are complaining that airlines are putting less fuel into aircraft in order to save money. Fuel weighs around seven pounds per gallon, so if a plane lands with 1000 gallons of unused fuel, the plan carried 7,000 pounds of excess weight. Carrying that weight is expensive. Unfortunately the airlines are unable to guess exactly how efficient a plan will be on any given flight. It may have to idle for extra long on the runway or the head winds might be stronger than expected, slowing the plane down and requiring extra fuel. It might be as simple as the pilot has a lead foot. AAA keeps telling us that driving over the speed limit cuts down on our fuel efficiency. It probably holds true for planes.

Given that they extra fuel may keep the plane in the sky just long enough to reach my airport, I think I should have a vote what I value (in weight) enough to trade for more fuel. Here’s my list:

That stewardess who sits in the extra seat, reading magazines and yells stay in your seats every time the line for the bathroom gets a little long should be left at home. She must be worth 30 gallons of extra fuel.

There always seems to be an abundance of blue water in the bathroom. I would guess that weighs about the same as fuel, therefore, I propose we only bring enough blue water for one flush per toilet. Mid-weigh through the flight, the stewardess can go through and flush the toilets. We might stink a bit when we land. I would rather land stinky and crash with a fresh pine scent. That must be worth 200 gallons.

Some flights actually provide some sort of food. The meal seems to always include boiled carrots. I haven’t seen anyone actually eat those boiled carrots and live. Therefore, I propose we cut out the boiled carrots. That must be worth 2 gallons of fuel.

Every time I’ve flown, I have had an issue finding a place to stuff my oversized carryon bags because the bins are filled with cheap dirty blankets and pillows. No one in their right mind would actually allow these germ traps to touch their bodies. Therefore, I propose removing all blankets and pillows. That must be worth 20 gallons.

I have just traded those few creature comforts for an extra 252 gallons of fuel.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Baby crib placement techniques

Given Baby Sammy’s propensity to have multiple pee-throughs and pee-arounds a night (see my July 30 post “Baby Talk” for definitions we have researched techniques for baby crib placement management. The results of our research and home trials are have left us with two viable techniques. Please note that changing the cribs sheets multiple times in the night is not an option. That is just too hard and we only own three crib sheets. We would have to do a load of crib pee sheets every day.

The first technique is the “four square” crib placement. This is a simple method where you place the baby’s head in one corner and have the body go the length of the crib. I suggest placing the baby in the hardest corner to reach first because the first placement is when you have the most strength. When the baby has a pee through, change the kid and now place his head in the opposite corner. This puts the pee a good half a body length away. If there is a second pee-through, change the kid and then place his head in one of the remaining two corners. If third pee-through occurs, change and place baby in final corner. If fourth pee-through occurs, change baby and place in bathtub.

Baby Sammy can fill the bathtub even after the fourth pee-through. Therefore, we have developed a more aggressive technique. Place babies feet in far corner with body running the length of the crib. With each pee-through change baby and move toward opposite side of the crib six inches at a time. The baby’s feet might still be in the lake but those can be wiped the next day. Don’t worry overly much about that. Once the baby’s head reaches the other side of the crib, flip him around and start going the other direction. You should be able to get through 8 pee-throughs in a given night.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Cindy McCain Buffalo Chip

I don’t know if there is any historical precedent for this but it was in the movie Troy, so how inaccurate could it be? Achilles is the hero of one army. Some mean looking giant of a fellow is the hero of another army. Instead of having tens of thousands fight and thousands die, Achilles and the giant fight. Achilles did some fancy ballet move and killed the giant, claiming victory for his army. The war was over no muss no fuss.

This week John McCain joked that his wife, Cindy, should enter the Buffalo Chip semi-nude hot chick contest in front of 50,000 bikers. I’m sure McCain was just joking. There’s no way that we would pimp out his wife for 50,000 votes. Would he?

What does champions fighting have to do with a presidential elects wife competing in a best breasts contests, you ask? I’ll tell you. Since McCain started the idea of utilizing his wife’s assets in this way, what if we go global with it? Instead of fighting battles where men and women on both sides of the conflict die horrible deaths, let’s have the spouses of leaders do hot body contests. Perhaps they could just do a bikini contest regarding conflicts over trade deals. Then we up the stakes to a wet T-shirt contest if the conflict involves hostages and the Full Monty instead of invading a country.

Another Geneva Convention would have to be held. Instead of setting rules of proper treatment for prisoners of war, it would have to set other standards, for example when is a thong appropriate in combat versus traditional bikini bottoms, can the T-shirts be cut or modified in anyway and what sort of augmentation are the champions allowed.

With war being fought by our champions, it may affect my vote. While Cindy McCain may be more physically appealing, Michelle Obama seems much smarter and has a stronger personality. I’ve always found intelligence and personality appealing. Ralph Nader or Bob Barr are out.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Space Camp

My six year old went to a local two-day space camp. The five year old was signed up but a summer bug kept her home. When my six year old was three she knew all of the planets, including newly discovered ones in the Kuiper Belt. For each planet, she knew the about it’s atmosphere, the number of moons it had, it’s color, it’s temperature and anything else I could remember from frantic internet searches.

Being a proud dad, I made her perform like a new dog. Sit, shake hands and tell me what’s longer: Venus’s day or year. At first, I tried to have adults ask her questions about the solar system but nobody in my family knew enough to ask any questions. I put an end to the question and answer period when my mom asked, “Is the moon made out of cheese?” Even at three, my girl knew that was a stupid question. My mom didn’t know.

After awhile, I couldn’t remember any more facts about the solar system. I would look up more facts and stuff my head full of them. By the time we had a chance to talk about all I had learned the facts all fell out of my head. Little bits of information like who was the first person to walk on the moon, how many rings does Saturn have and how wide is Olympus Mons (it’s a mountain on mars) lay littered on the floor of our house. My wife checked out space books from the library for me to look up facts. That didn’t work so well so my wife checked out books for us to read to my daughter. My daughter noticed in one of the books that Olympus Mons (I brought it up in the last sentence on purpose – it’s all coming together now) appeared to be too flat in the picture because NASA claimed it was the tallest mountain in the solar system. You can use that bit of trivia around the dinner table tonight if you want. My daughter had me email NASA to argue the height. She asked the question and I just typed. NASA actually emailed back with facts and figures.

By five, her interests moved on to Tinker Bell’s fairy friends and much of the planet information was lost. When my wife suggested this space camp, I didn’t think my six year old would be interested but I was wrong. (I should listen to my wife more. I’m not going to but I should). My daughter had designed her own space backpack with radios and keys to get back into the space station. She created a space lab with it’s own rocket on a swivel, just in case the lab needs to fly around. Luckily, this time my daughter can read. Now my wife can check out books for my daughter to read to herself.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

John McCain's Straight Talk left behind inflating tires

John McCain’s Straight Talk Express pulled over to inflate its tires at a local convenience store on Monday. Straight Talk went into the food market to pick up snacks for the spin group still hard at work on the bus. Unfortunately in all of the commotion, no one noticed Straight Talk had left the bus and the bus drove off, leaving Straight Talk behind.

Since Straight Talk was no longer allowed to participate in McCain’s strategy and communication team meetings, it’s disappearance wasn’t noticed until the following day when McCain campaign manager Rick Davis looked for Straight Talk for Rick Davis’s daily workout session of kicking Straight Talk’s tail around the bus. When Straight Talk could not be found, the McCain camp originally communicated through it’s honorary spokesmen, Fox News, that Barack Obama must have parted the seas and sent Paris Hilton and Britney Spears to abduct Straight Talk. Only once that accusation was proven false did secondary spokespersons Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity start accusing Obama of the abduction.

The McCain camp has forbidden Straight Talk from carrying a cell phone as Straight Talk might contradict all prior communications from the McCain camp. Straight Talk may communicate items such as Barack Obama’s energy plan has nothing to do with inflating tires or tire gauges, even though all professional automotive organizations and major McCain supporters Joe Lieberman, Mike Rogers, Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger have suggest proper vehicle maintenance to maximize fuel efficiency and that John McCain knows drilling will not significantly decrease gas prices. Additionally, there is concern that Straight Talk's communications would not provide news organizations, such as CBS with Katie Couric, enough time to edit Straight Talk's messages before releasing to the masses. McCain's communications team has stressed the absolute necessity of disporting their campaign leader's , namely John McCain's, replies before consumption by the American voter. The campaign's official position is that American citizen's right to know more about who is running for president only applies to Barack Obama.

Lacking any official means to communicate, Straight Talk remains missing. The McCain camp has released the following announcement, “While Straight Talk is dearly missed campaign obligations will prevent the McCain team from actively searching for Straight Talk until after November. Straight Talk, if you hear this message, know that you are loved and keep your mouth shut unless you are going to say Obama abducted you.”

Monday, August 4, 2008

The differences between the first child and the third child

The differences between the first child and the third child, early months:

The first child slept in a bassinette in our room for eight months.
The third child was moved to his own room (with a monitor) by the fourth month.

When the first child made any noise at night we jumped up to check on her.
When the third child makes lots of noises at night, I turn down the volume on the monitor.

When the first child cried during the day, we gave her a bottle.
When the third child cries during the day, we give him a bottle and ask the first child to get a bottle for daddy out of the fridge.

When the first child pooped in the tub, I would drain the tub, wash the tub, refill the tub and finish the bath.
When the third child poops in the tub, we play scoop the poop, finish the bath and try to remember to tell my wife not to nibble on his toes until after the next bath. I try.

Being home alone with the first child was stressful and difficult.
Being home alone with the third child is a pleasure as long as first and second child are in school or camp.

When the first child accomplished anything, we checked two or three books to make sure she was on track and to see if there was anything we could do to help encourage her development.
When the third child accomplishes anything . . . really when did he accomplish anything? The first child is doing two digit math in her head going in to 1st grade. The second child hasn’t started kindergarten yet but reads to us. What did he do? Roll onto his side? Whooooooo!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Search engine fun

I use sitemeter to see how people come to my site. I get very few visitors from search engines and I enjoy seeing what their search terms were before arriving to my site. Maybe, I think, I could learn what people are looking for and create posts to bring to me.

Before I talk about how people were searching for I'm going to mention a few things that I write about. I'm a parent of three kids 6 years old and younger. My wife and I have built our lives around these little leaches, I mean kids. So many of my posts are above the kids and things I think are entertaining about the kids. I've written about children's diaries, diaper accidents, circumcision and how big my butt is to them. I'm also pretty interested in politics and news today. I tend to be a centrist but I really can't stand the Sean Hannity's of the world. I believe their agenda/ratings over truth is dangerous. They lead too many small minds into the wrong battles. Therefore, I've written about Sean Hannity, martyrs (and the virgins they are promised - my attempt at humor) and elections.

So after all of that, what were the searchers looking for:
Cock mutilations
Wet diaper virgins
Sean Hannity

As of yet, there have NOT been searches regarding "Hannity in a wet diaper" but I'm waiting.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Entrecard Contest

Design my entrecard. I need a better 125 pixel by 125 pixel. The one I designed is on the front page of my blog. It needs to be consistent with the title "The truth is out there. Don't let it in." as well as the content. Most of my content is either things I find funny about parenting/children or about politics.

Submit a link to the entrecard you designed for my contest in a comment to this post by August 8th. I will select the one I like best by August 11th and reward the winner. The winner can either have A.) 500ec or B.) I will link to your site on my blog roll and leave up for no less than 3 months, I will leave 5 content related comments on your blog by August 15 and I digg/stumble 3 of your posts (you tell me which ones). Either way I will write a post about the winner and include a link.

Don't use pictures you don't have rights to and by entering the contest you give me the right to use the image if you win. The image must be 125 by 125 pixel JPG. (I won't use those that didn't win).

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Politician at the door

I was showering the kids and the doorbell rang. My wife we dealing with the boy so I ran down to greet a rather large smiling man on our porch. I’m not a small man. I’m comfortably over six foot and check out my post about my lovelies for an idea of my girth. See it here: . This man made me feel a little small but his smile seemed genuine.

He introduced himself as Bob DaSilva and he is seeking to become Rhode Island state representative. A politician was at my door. Now when Barack Obama was looking to become the candidate we had swarms of college kids doing a politically motivated version of Ding Dong Drop but instead of running after they rang the doorbell, their jaws would drop when I started asking questions about Obama’s policy. This was actually the politician at my door. I felt so important.

I had come from shampooing the kids. I still had my work shirt on but unbuttoned to my navel and my shirt sleeves we rolled up as high as they could go. I had my slacks still on but I didn’t have on shoes or sock. I was also wet and covered in shampoo foam. That is how I met Bob Silva. His first comment to me was, “Washing the kids? That’s how I look when I wash mine.” He shook my hand and then casually flicked off some of the shampoo I dripped onto him. I immediately liked him.

Bob is a democratic candidate seeking to replace State Representative Henry Rose who is retiring at 67. It was nice to shake his hand (shampoo and all), he really did seem to be a likable guy, but I had questions before I would support him. First, I asked, how did he feel about Rhode Island State Senator Paiva-Weed, the democratic Rhode Island Senate Majority Leader, blocking a vote on a bill requiring the use of E-verify. I wrote about it here: . Basically, E-verify is a system were employers can go online and verify the working status of new employees. If the employee doesn’t show up in the system, the employee can challenge it immediately and correct any mistakes. If there weren’t any mistakes, that person is not eligible to legally work in the United States. Paiva-Weed refused to allow the legislature to vote on the bill. She killed the democratic process and didn’t allow our representatives to even vote. Bob is from the same party and was appropriate but basically said that the legislature should have had the opportunity to vote. I warmed to Bob some more but I had another question.

I asked Bob about the use of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) database. This database is something law enforcement departments can use to submit identification checks on individuals. It will tell if the person is in the United States legally. It will also alert ICE if there is someone who needs to be deported. At this point, I probably was coming across as some racist. Bob could have told me what a racist wanted to hear and say run every hombre through the system and deport everyone who has a tan or darker skin but he didn’t. Bob told me he was a police officer and believed in enforcing the law. He would not support profiling or running anyone will dark skin through ICE for every speeding ticket. One the other hand, he would support running ICE checks on anyone who was arrested and brought to the police station. Luckily, I do think there are a lot of great American citizens who come from central and south America and profiling would be against their constitutionally granted rights. I do support ICE ID checks on all arrests.

I know I have preached voting 3rd party from president down to dog catcher but I think Bob DeSilva is going to get my vote.

Here are a few articles relating to Bob DeSilva:

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Baby Talk

I thought I should define some language for non-parents in reading some of my posts.

Pee-through - the diaper was overwhelmed with pee. The diaper is completely full and so everything around child is wet.

Pee-around - the diaper was avoided. The diaper is basically dry but the area around child is wet.

Poop-through - See "pee-through" but texture and either brown or green color added

Poop-around - see "pee-around" but texture and either brown or green color added. Leading theory is poop traveled directly up crack between butt cheeks.

and the worst offender - Stealth poop-through - similar to standard poop-through but child looks completely clean and innocent to casual observer. Stealth poop-through only is discovered when parent slides hands beneath child to pick said child up. Usually accompanied by parents

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sean Hannity Unamerican

Sean Hannity has the Stop Obama Express dedicated to opposing Obama in all cases up to the election and beyond if Obama wins. Hannity has dedicated himself and his program to this opposition. Hannity dedicates himself to opposing Obama even if Obama's position agrees with Hannity. Hannity is putting a vindictive Right is right policy ahead of what is best for America.

Additionally, the pentagon agrees that Obama was not going to bring the press and camera to visit the troops and yet Hannity has a little song talking about Obama not visiting the troops because Obama couldn't bring the cameras. Clearly Hannity (through his show) is lying. Apparently, lying and the resulting ratings is more important than what is best of America.

Therefore, I'm going to give my first Great Unamerican award to Sean Hannity.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Oh man

The baby sleeps in another room but my wife and I have a monitor in his crib. Basically we can hear every burp, cry or other bodily noise. We don't have formal system on who gets the baby when he cries. Basically who ever hears him cry first has to measure what will be more difficult, feeding the kid or waking up the spouse and convincing him/her to go feed the baby. Last night the baby woke up at three and my wife wisely evaluated getting me up to feed the baby this time would be too difficult. Through the monitor I could hear my wife enter the baby's room. First she spoke to the baby to try and calm him without feeding him. She said something cute and in singsong. It didn't work. Then I heard fabric rubbing as my wife slid her hand across the sheets to pick him up. I tried to go back to sleep. Then she said, "oh man." It wasn't loud or upset but "oh man" usually means I can't go back to sleep. Baby Sammy did a pee-around. That is when is diaper is basically dry but everything around him was dripping wet. My wife grabbed and changed the kid. I changed the sheets. The rest of the day, I yelled a lot.

Sunday, July 27, 2008


There was a promotion on the radio today to win a Best Friend Forever party, called a BFF party. I’m assuming my age disqualifies me from winning a BFF party, since I’m no longer pubescent. Wouldn’t someone who is your BFF deserve a little more effort than an acronym? It only takes about 2 seconds to write BFF. Someone who is your best friend forever actually deserves the couple extra seconds it takes to write the entire words. A FWF, fair weather friend, is an acronym level friend. A MEA, mildly entertaining associate, is an acronym level friend. Someone who ranks so highly as to no only be a best friend, but one you are willing to label as a best friend forever, really deserves vowels.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Why aren't there more gay martyrs?

An Islamic extremists believes if he becomes a martyr, meaning dieing in the act of killing someone else, he will go to heaven where 72 virgins will be waiting to serve him. That’s a lot of virgins. Multiply out 72 virgins by the number of martyrs and you really started accumulating some hymen.

Where are the virgins coming from? If the virgins are the female version of Islamic extremists, then some of the martyr’s motivation is suddenly more understandable. He isn’t getting any satisfaction on earth, might as well blow himself up. Ending Islamic extremist sponsored terrorism could be as simply as putting Spanish Fly in the water supply. Loosen up those bursas and put away the exploding bels.

Since the incentive is virgins, I would suspect that there aren’t very many gay martyrs. I can’t imagine they want to spend their afterlife coordinating shoes and providing fashion advice to a bunch of women who couldn’t even get laid in life. Where’s the drama in that?

What about women martyrs? Do they get 72 female virgins? If so, does that imply that women martyrs are lesbian? If they aren’t lesbian can they go on the prowl in heaven looking for a guy and would that guy need to have 72 wingmen to occupy the virgins?

Are the virgins all female? Having male virgins would allow some reward for female martyrs but would being the only women with a bunch of guys who died virgins be heaven. She’d never get any rest. All 72 of them have some serious pent up energy from a sexless life. She’d spend half her afterlife hiding behind clouds. Also I can’t image 72 dead male virgins would be much for upkeep on the heavenly home.

If there are male virgins, gay martyrs are back in play but I think there might be a better recruiting angle. Instead of telling prospective martyrs they get 72 virgins if they go blow themselves up, tell them that they will be one of the virgins to a gay martyr. The choice is clear. Either they blow themselves up on earth or they spend their afterlife blowing something else.

Finally, what if the virgins, whether male or female, gay or straight, are from other religions. What sort of major sin must one commit to die a virgin and then have to spend your afterlife in heaven as a slave to some smelly martyr? It seems like it would be worse than hell to be in heaven but to spend your afterlife with a murder who keeps trying to ride you like a camel.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Good Lies Bad Lies - tribute to McCain

Sung to Good Times Bad Times from Led Zeplin, although you may know it from covers by Cracker, Phish or Godsmack.

Good Lies Bad Lies

In the days of his youth, he was a prisoner in Vietnam
Now he’s reached that age, he’ll try to use it to be the president man
No matter how he tries, he’s sucked into Bush’s tax plan

Good lies, bad lies, you know he told his share
When Obama left home with a foreign plan
Well he still seems not to care

Sixty – I fell in love with amnesty as illegal as could be
It only takes a couple of babies till citizenship you see
He swore that fence to build and support law to the end
When illegals whispered in his ear, voters lost another friend

Good lies, bad lies, you know he told his share
When honestly left him for a republican plan
Well straight talk seems not to care

He knows countries that are gone
He sure remembers countries before the telephone
He doesn’t care what the voters say
He’s going rule like Bush in each and every way
You can’t teach him countries fell apartRealize, sweet babe, his lies are pure art

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Parental Morning

Today started so nicely. Both my wife and I woke up before the alarm. I was still dozing but reasonably well rested. Since the kids were all asleep still, we could talk together like adults. The baby was awake and talking in his crib but he wasn’t calling out. Eventually, his conversation started to become more urgent. I went in his room while my wife took care of other things. He smiled when he saw me. There was a wet area around him and he hates to be wet. That was why he was getting more urgent. No problem, I incorrectly thought. A diaper change and new clothes and he would be content again. I took off his outfit and put a clean diaper under this old one. With one hand I raised his body. With the other hand I grabbed the front of his diaper and whipped it off. Half way through my whipping action, I realized that the diaper was also full of poop. Since I was only holding the front of the diaper, the bottom half acted like a slingshot. Chunks of brown material shot out in an arc.

After a little scrubbing, all of my lovelies were awake. We were enjoying a little family time in mom’s and dad’s bed still dressed in our night attire. Since it was hot, the boy and I weren’t wearing any shirts, not to mention my son’s shirt was dripping wet. My four year old was gently poking the chest of our four-month-old boy. He was laughing at the attention from his big sister. She said his boobies were mushy. My wife told her only girls have boobies. Boys don’t have boobies. My six year old who is smarter than the rest of us, especially around her mouth, said daddy does. Look! and she pointed to my bare chest. My day had begun.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sean Hannity Isn't Reagan

Sean Hannity’s Bitter Whine

Phil Gramm, at the time McCain’s financial advisor, said that the current economic difficulties weren’t real and are just in our heads. He called Americans a bunch of whiners. Last week, Sean Hannity mirrored the sentiment by saying, “we do whine too much.” Newt Gingrich, on air at the time, put Hannity in is placed by proclaiming, “that is the least Ronald Reagan like quote I’ve heard from you.” To an anti-thought conservative like Hannity, telling him he said something far away from Reagan is like telling a six-year old Santa doesn’t exist and mommy is the tooth fairy. I believe Hannity’s heart didn’t actually stop but medics were on hand.

I have to admit both that Hannity’s point is valid and that there is more to his quote than I presented here. The additional part of his quote minimizes his anti-Reagan comments and provides a rational context for his statement. Even with the context, as Newt said, Hannity had a momentary deviation from Reaganism. Unfortunately I’m petty. Hannity beat Obama with his bitter remarks by only playing a portion of the quote. Hannity refused to provide a context for the bitter remark. Unfortunately, Hannity bills his show as doing the major news networks’ job for them. This would imply a certain obligation to the truth. By not providing context, Hannity’s show does not live up to his own expectations and becomes just an agenda based opinion mongering show. Since I do not claim to provide a news service, I can happily refuse to provide a context and say “Hannity’s not like Reagan”, “Hannity’s not like Reagan”, “Hannity’s not like Reagan!” Since I create no expectation of being a news service, I can say that over and over and over without remorse. Back to you Sean.

Monday, July 21, 2008

My lovelies

As a parent, I’m obligated to say that I love my children. I have three of them and just looking at their lovely faces fills me with joy. However, there are a few drawbacks to being a parent. Let me itemize my top five for you.

5 – Restaurant selection - We select our restaurants by what is on the children’s menu. Pre-children, I would go to a restaurant simply because I had never been there. I’ve been to restaurants where menu could have been in hieroglyphs as far as I could tell. I would order third from the top and eat whatever came to my table. Those days are gone. Instead of checking the internet for up and coming places to try, we now look at the menu online and make sure they have mac’n’cheese.

4 – I’m shrinking – I’m a big guy. I used to be 6 ft. 3 inches but now I have to round up to 6 ft. 2 inches. The cumulative weight of carrying a child or two or three with all of their accessories really weighs a man down. Each kid comes with an assortment of snacks, wipes, diapers (for the little one) and distractions. I insist on the distractions, which are a series of things mom or I can give the kid to entertain themselves for 5 minutes so we can catch a breath of air. My little lovelies don’t carry much of their own accessories. The really difficult part is that those who can walk only want to walk at the beginning of the day when I’m fresh. Near the end, when I’m worn out and tire, they’ve allowed themselves to get tired too. That’s when they want to be carried. My kids weight approximately 45 pounds, 40 pounds and 16 pounds, plus car seat (about 8 pounds) and accessories (about 12 pounds). The child weight addition to the grocery store is 121 pounds.

3 – Honesty from 3 feet and below – My oldest children’s new favorite game is sitting behind me on the couch with their legs wrapped around my hips. Then I have to stand up. Their legs are still wide open to where they wrapped around my hips. Then they show me exactly how big my butt is by pointing to the space their legs had to wrap around. That is enough on that topic.

2 – Body excretions – There is fluid (or something) coming out those kids non-stop. When my girls were younger, they could not be woken up. Believe me, we tried everything. So in the mornings, I would just carry them downstairs and put them on some cushions we had while I got ready for work and my wife showered. At the time, they still wore diapers but their bladders where up to the challenge. The diapers were able to contain their bladders’ work enough to keep the bed dry. When I picked them up, however, the diaper got squished and stale pee would drip down my stomach every morning. We had a name for it. It was a pee-through. Thankfully, they finally out grew that. This morning I hopped into bed with my eldest to wake her. I got enough movement that I called it a success and when to the middle child. I hopped into bed with her and I heard a splash. It was like a Nestea plunge. I got her cleaned up and got dressed. I picked up the baby to go down stairs and he pooped around his diaper onto my shirt. Not a lot but enough. I’m so used to it, that I didn’t even change. All day today I can look at the little brown green stain on my arm and think fondly of my little lovelies.

1 – Lack of sleep – My middle child, the Nestea plunge girl, was born with a shortened ligament in her neck. It made it so she couldn’t look left. All that rightward looking as an infant started to cause her skull to flatten. She kind of looked like some primitive tribe in National Geographic. We had to put a helmet on her for 23 hours a day. It provided a rounded surface for her skull to rest against so it could grow normally. Normally as defined by the readers of National Geographic as apposed to those pictured inside of National Geographic. Everything is fine now but between the pain in the neck and the uncomfortable helmet, she woke up four or more times a night as a baby. The eldest isn’t really that much of an elder and was still waking up once or twice a night. My wife and I looked like zombies for that first year. It got so bad that I wasn’t paying attention while I was driving and turned in front of an oncoming car. Totaled the car and kept me out of work for a week, so it wasn’t all bad. Check out “The life and times of Malady” on my blog list to the right for her experiences with just one kid. I encourage you to share it with anybody you to scare out of having babies.
To be fair, I should mention that there are positives to having kids. I can think of one. Wherever I am, what ever I’m doing, there is a bucket of wipes around. When I travel for work and don’t have the kids around, I’m terrified of spills and random icky things. Granted there are a lot fewer icky things without the kids but I don’t have my wipes.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Nancy Pelosi Failure of the House

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House and Democrat, has balls. Today she said, “You know, God bless him, bless his hear, president of the United States, a total failure, losing all credibility with the American people on the economy, on the war, on energy, you name the subject.”

While I agree President Bush will go down in history is one of the worst presidents of all time, Nancy’s soapbox isn’t exactly standing on the strongest of soapboxes. The president only has a 29 percent approval rating. Congress, led by Nancy Cajones Pelosi, only has an 18% approval rating. I couldn’t find the statistic to prove this but I think more people think Elvis is alive than approve of the Congress.

The congress is supposed to be a check and balance to the president’s power and yet our congress continually rolls over and plays dead every time our constitution is threatened. Our congress has failed to pass a meaningful immigration law or a responsible energy policy. Alternative energy tax incentives are going to lapse and the end of this year because Congress, as led by Nancy, hasn’t been able to pass legislation to extend the incentives. Nancy’s congress can’t get energy extensions at a time when the cost of energy is at an all time high. This session is also the longest in 20 years that Congress has gone without passing any legislation on spending.

What has Nancy I-can’t-believe-I-still-have-a-job Pelosi been up to, instead of passing valuable legislation, that is? Well she has successfully prevented impeachment proceeding of Bush. She started that in 2006 with the comment of, “you never know where investigations might lead.” Wow. Maybe the would have led to impeachment of a terrible president and the removal of power from a whole host of people who haven’t done their duties to the United States of America and it’s citizens, for example . . . Nancy don’t-look-at-the-facts-because-I-won’t-like-what-you-will-see Pelosi.

Nancy party-before-America Pelosi has also been actively trying to get more Democrats into congress. She says that it part of her job as Speaker. Quite frankly, as a thinking American, I don’t care if there are more Democrats or Republicans. Nowhere in the job description on a Congressperson does it read, “get more of my party in power.” She, and the rest of the slackers taken together we like to call Congress, have duties to perform to make our country better. In the end, Nancy if-its-good-enough-for-me-than-good Pelosi has been more concerned with personal and party power and we The United States of American, have suffered for her success.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The answer is blowin' in the wind

How many flips must a candidate flop
Before the voters know to run?
Yes, ‘n how many John Hagees and Reverend Wrights
Before the voters stop having fun?
Yes, ‘n how many times must a candidate pander, either to the left or the right
Before the rot has begun?
The answer, my friend, is votin’ third party,
The answer is votin’ a third party.

How many rights must the president take away
Before congress gets off its knees?
Yes, n’ how many tears must the constitution cry
Before big business is pleased?
Yes, n’ how many times must the citizens sigh
Before with a vote they do the deed?
The answer, my friend, is votin’ third party,
The answer is votin’ a third party.

How high must gasoline rise
Before the parties compromise?
Yes, n’ how many billions must politicians spend
Before democracy dies?
Yes, n’ how many times must our government fail
Before we send them to jail?
The answer, my friend, is votin’ third party,
The answer is votin’ a third party.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Congressional Raises

I’ve just had my annual review (actually it was at the beginning of the year but pretending it just happened is more convenient to my post). I accomplished three of my goals. The other two goals weren’t accomplished but I made satisfactory progress. Overall my boss was happy with me (he wasn’t really but it works for this blog). Therefore, I got a three percent raise (again, made up fact).

Congress is scheduled to receive a 2.8% raise, making their annual salary $174,040 per year (approximately three times the annual HOUSEHOLD SALARY), not counting other perks and benefits they receive (all facts in this paragraph are actually factual).

What did congress do to receive a pay increase on top of their already bloated salaries, you may ask? Great question. I say that because that is the question I’m prepared to answer. Most importantly, congress has been able to increase their disapproval rating from 53% according to NBC/Wall Street Journal in 2005 up to 79% in 2008 according to the same polling organization. Why is this an accomplishment? Well, nothing unites people like a common enemy. The American public is becoming increasing united knowing that our own congress is our enemy. Keep in mind that the year is only half over. Congress is likely to increase their disapproval rating even further before year end, binding the American public much closer.

If that wasn’t enough of an accomplishment to earn an automatic raise, congress has accomplished so many things this year. It has clearly established that a baseball player and the player’s trainer will tell conflicting stories about steroid use. It has also rushed through an economic stimulus plan that ensures our great grand children will be paying for the IPODs many of us rushed out to purchase. Congress has continued the tradition of not balancing the budget through wasteful spending and lavish pork barrel projects. It also continues to defy the calls for creating an exit plan out of Iraq. Congress has also continued the traditions of not defining an immigration policy, an energy policy or a rational foreign relations policy (other than “if you are not with us, you are against us” and we will shoot you). Perhaps one of the most notable accomplishments over the past twelve months is the complete absence of Senators Clinton, Obama and McCain even though they continue to receive paychecks and benefits.

I can imagine going to my boss and saying, “Jim (his real name), I haven’t accomplished anything (except getting a Woodstock Museum in New York funded by tax payers in all of the other states), I barely show up for work and everybody here hates me. Where’s my raise? Oh, it’s automatic. Great. See you next year.”
How about this? Nobody in congress gets a raise unless it 1.) accomplishes goals set before it by voters in the previous election and 2.) its approval rating is above 50%. Note that I didn’t put any unreasonable suggestions like they have to show up for 95% or more of the votes. I didn’t mention harsh evaluation items like being arrested for sexually harassing interns or misappropriation of funds barring you from your raise, just for that year. I’m not even suggesting that if you take 18 months off the job to run as president, you need to take a leave of absence and suspend your pay and benefits.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Obama the Muslim President, not that he is Muslim

Let’s say Obama really is a Muslim. Worst case, he is an America hating Muslim. In that scenario, he could arrange with fellow extremists to attack and destroy the most important American symbol, namely the president. If he manages that our problem is solved.

Michelle Obama is a pretty strong woman. I just don’t see her putting up with the second-class citizenship women have under extremist Muslim doctrine. Therefore, he is more likely a moderate Muslim. In that case, he wouldn’t arrange attacks on the U.S. but he would stop and pray facing Mecca five times a day. I worked for a Muslim boss before. In fact, 80% of the office was Muslim. Five times a day, I was among a very small group of upright people. Other than requiring me to suppress my inner urge to play leapfrog, they were non-offensive. My office workers had to make up the time at the end of the day. I don’t think presidents really have an end of the day. Therefore, the more time he spends looking a Mecca, the less time he would have messing up the country.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The truth is out there . . . don't let it in: test

The truth is out there . . . don't let it in: test


I'm just trying stuff. Don't read me. Really stop reading me now. No more. Don't go any further. I would really like you to stop reading now. Ok. I'm just going to entertain myself for a minute while you look away. La de de deeeeee dee de deeee dee deee. You're still here. Read the next post on my blog. It's better. I'm especially proud of the Urinal Etiquette post and the post about campaign promises and budgets being compared to car shopping. Those ones are better. Stop reading here and go there . . . . . please. . . . . thank you.

Seatbelt Mania

My wife and I grew up in the 70s. Seatbelts were something you pushed between down deep between the seats so you could squish a couple more kids into the back seat. I was one of four kids and there was no such thing as a mini-van. For most of my life, all four of us squished into the back seat of a two-door sedan. If one of us brought a friend along, the smallest kid was thrown on top of the rest of them.

We camped a lot. We had a pickup camper that sat in the back of dad’s pickup for the summer. Mom and dad sat in the pickup and the four of us, plus friends, hung out in back. There wasn’t a seat belt in the entire rig. The closest thing was an old road we used to dry out towels. As we drove if one of us kids needed something or if mom needed to make lunch, we climbed through the little window between the camper and the pickup.

Fast forward to now. We have a mini-van that claims to seat eight. We have booster seats and car seats galore. Although there are only five of us in my family, we don’t feel comfortable taking along more than two of the kids’ friends because of the size of the booster seats. My dad would have taken all the seats out of the back and piled my family and all of my cousins too.
We were backing out of our driveway and my wife hadn’t clicked in her seatbelt yet. The belt was in her hand. Clicking was eminent. She screamed at me to stop the car. I thought I ran over the cat. No. She just wasn’t clicked in yet. She was almost clicked in. She would probably had been clicked in by the time we reached the street but just not yet.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Bad Dad

Alright. There is nothing wrong with the kid. He just doesn't like to sleep.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Nancy Boy

Ok. I’m a bad parent. I am praying my child is sick. Something curable, mind you. He’s four months old and has almost completely stopped napping and he cries and cries and cries. (I call him Nancy Boy. Nance for short.) My wife, after a couple of hours of the no-sleeping-crying-unless-you-carry-me-around-until-your-back-hurts, called me and told me she’s taking him into the doctors. My first response was that this is overacting but now I want him to be sick. Something curable but sick. If that explains the crying and not sleeping and we can make it go away, I will be very happy.

sitemeter is pretty cool.

I don’t mean to sound like a commercial but I just added to my site. Another blogger The Logistician had suggested it. It is really cool and was easy to set up. To give you an idea of how easy it was, I did it and I’m ignorant about computers. Yeah I can do great things in excel but beyond that not so much.

Anyway, now I have an idea of how many people are checking out my site. There are bunch of other statistics available too, like a world map with the location of the people. Don’t worry, nothing private but it is going to be fun playing with it for a while.

It is my new toy.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

where have all the homeowners gone?

Where have all the homeowners gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the homeowners gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the homeowners gone?
Banks have foreclosed them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the banks gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the banks gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the banks gone?
Congress bailed them out every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the congressmen gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the congressmen gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the congressmen gone?
Voters voted them out every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the voters gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the voters gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the voters gone?
Evicted by bankers every one
When will they ever learn?When will they ever learn?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

talking frogs

I traded links with Frog in NC. Check her out.

password blues

My password at work is about to expire. It does so every 90 days. I created a system for picking my next password so that for the first 30 days after the change I can log on. Otherwise, I’ll forget. The system has a second benefit that allows me to track how long I’ve been at my job. In 14 days, when my password expires, I will have changed my password 23 times. That means I’ve been here (23 * 90 days) 2070 days or 5.6 years. Today is going to be a sad day.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


I love watching what adsense deems is appropriate ads for my site. When I compared candidate's lying claims of balancing a budget to going car shopping (you had to be there), the ads were about cars and credit for weeks. I've posted a few things about my home state Rhode Island, so a bunch of local businesses are advertising on my site. Recently there have been a series of ads about classes in etiquette. I think that is related to when I wrote about urinals.

Monday, July 7, 2008

American laziness may give McCain the presidency

Obama has continually and consistently called for the removal of troops from Iraq, except for small levels necessary to protect the embassy and American civilians. Unlike Richardson who wanted to run out of Iraq so fast he wanted to leave heavy equipment behind and Hillary who wanted to pull the troops out so she could obliterate Iran, Obama did the politically inconvenient thing and refused to commit to a date when all troops would be out. Obama said from the beginning and in every speech and debate since that he would listen to the Generals on the ground. If troop safety demanded a delay, he would delay. Safety first but still withdrawal. In a moment with the press, Obama, again, said he would bring the troops home and would refine the details as the situation demanded.

McCain, formally known as honest, latched onto the word “refine” and used it to claim Obama is a flip-flopper. The media, lazy as usual, hasn’t bothered reviewing the claim. For days, the media ran stories saying McCain claims Obama is flip-flopping again. The professional media hasn’t bothered to do any research and the common man, who typically has uncommonly low intelligence simply listens to the talking heads. The lazy media and the lazy voters listened to the GOP, costing Kerry an election. History may repeat itself and American laziness combined with McCain and Republican lies may cost Obama the presidency.

Rhode Island Paint Law

A House of Representatives committee examined lead-based paint and found them to be highly toxic. “The most eminent scientists and doctors . . . reached the conclusion that white lead is poison,” testified Marion E. Rhodes, a representative from Missouri. A big was introduced in May of that year in the interest of public health. The bill required for federal regulation concerning the manufacture, sale and use of any paint containing white lead. Also, all lead-based paints were to be labeled with a skull and crossbones and with the words “Poison: white lead.” The bill was defeated. The year was 1910.

Twenty one years later, the president of the National Lead Company, Edward J. Cornish, admitted in a letter to the dean of the Harvard Medical School, David Edsall, “manufacturers as a result of fifty to sixty years experience, agreed that lead is a poison when it enters the stomach of man – whether it comes directly from the ores and mines and smelting works or from the ordinary forms of carbonate of lead, lead oxides, and sulfate and sulfide of lead.” Within a year 400 delegates from 40 nations met at the Third International Labor Conference of the League of Nations and discussed the regulation of lead and lead-based paints. As a result many European counties started bans or restrictions on the use of white lead paint. France, Belgium and Austria were ahead of the rest of Europe by enacting regulations in 1909. Tunisia and Greece were in 1922, Czechoslovakia in 1924, Great Britain, Sweden and Belgium in 1926, Poland in 1927, Spain and Yugoslavia in 1931 and Cuba in 1934.

In 1935, Felix Wormser (great name by the way) from the Lead Industries Association admitted, “Hardly a day goes by but what this subject (poisoning from lead-based paints) receives some attention at the headquarters of the Association.”

The National Lead Company responded by including children in it’s Dutch Boy brand’s marketing images. It created “A Paint Book for Girls and Boys” that tried to minimize the dangers of lead and it also targeted using lead paint for painting schools. Images of children playing around painted surfaces or even mixing paints were commonly used.

It wasn’t until the 1950’s that manufactures, responding to growing concern about the safety of lead-based paint, eliminated lead from their products. Twenty years later, in 1978, the United States Government finally banned the use of lead paint, 54 years after Czechoslovakia banned it’s use. In 2003, the new Rhode Island Attorney General Patrick Lynch resumes legal action against the paint companies. That case was won in 2007. In July 2008, the Rhode Island Supreme Court overturns that ruling against the paint companies.

When the original case was started in 1999, 6.9% of children tested in Rhode Island indicated unsafe levels of lead in their bloodstream. By 2007, the rate had fallen to 1.3%.
The ruling would have penalized the paint companies billions of dollars. Motley Rice, a private law firm Rhode Island outsourced this case to, would have earned a healthy percentage of billions of dollars. Motley Rice LLC labels themselves as, “. . . one of the nation’s largest plaintiffs’ litigation firms. Our attorneys and staff work hard not only for our clients, but for the causes they represent. We are working to advance the greater good – for out clients and for all society.” Motley Rice could really advance their standing in high society with a percentage of billions of damages from one state alone. Had they won the case for Rhode Island, they would have been the law firm of choice for, not only other states, but for many counties, cities and towns wishing to take legal action against the paint comp

Thursday, July 3, 2008

A simple regression with shows the incidence of lead poisoning by birth cohort heavily influences the number of children shown as proficient in reading and math. In fact, it shows the percent of children testing positive for lead poisoning explains as much as 22% of the variability of school performance.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Comments on Society, Politics, Business, & Entertainment Industry.: McCain vs. Obama

Comments on Society, Politics, Business, & Entertainment Industry.: McCain vs. Obama

Mr. Horn, House Sitter.

Last year, Mr. Horn saw two men break into his neighbor’s house in a small community in Texas. Mr. Horn quickly called 911. He continued to speak to the 911 operator while waiting for the police to arrive. Unfortunately the two men started to leave carrying a bag of items they stole from his neighbor. Mr. Horn told the 911 operator he was going to stop the thieves, grabbed his shotgun and went outside. He confronted the men, when they started to run, he shot and killed them. This week, a grand jury concluded that there was no case against Mr. Horn. He is free. This story is very topical because the Supreme Court recently ruled that Americans have the right to own guns.

To me, the real question is what sort of present should the neighbor give Mr. Horn. When I’m away and a neighbor watches my house or even feeds my cat, I give a little something. A token from the trip I went on. I don’t give anything really grand but something more than a postcard. If feeding my cat earns someone a set of drinking glasses with “My neighbor went to Somewhere and all I got were these lousy glasses” printed on them, what does shooting two men in the back earn? Whatever it is, it had better not piss off Mr. Horn.
If you lived in the neighborhood and were going on a trip, would you ask Mr. Horn to watch your place?

Monday, June 23, 2008

it's our own fault

It’s Our Own Fault

But we can fix it. According to an ABC News/Washington Post opinion poll, 82% of Americans felt our country was on the “wrong track.” This is the most impressive outpouring of American pessimism since the 1970’s. Respondents point their fingers at gas prices, the war in Iraq, fear of terrorism and concern that Johnny and Steve are finally going to get married. At no point, did any respondent step up and say, “I’m to blame. The country, my country, is doing things I don’t like. It is rushing quickly into a darkness known as the future and it’s all my fault.”

Gone are the days of “the buck stops here.” President Truman roll over in your grave now. No one is embracing the responsibility that comes with freedom. Foolishly and embarrassing ignorantly, most Americans believe we live in a democracy. It simply is not true. I don’t mean the-politicians-are-all-purchased-by-big-corporations lack of democracy frightened little people whine about over their lattes or Milwaukee’s Best. I mean the Constitution of the United States establishes the United States as a republic. What? Those few of you who have read this far may be wondering. A democracy is a form of government where the citizens have to vote on the issues. A republic is where the citizens vote for a government to handle most of the issues on our behalf. Really. Who would want to live in a democracy? Especially one as big as the U.S. Every couple of weeks a whole new round of issues would await you at the polls. It is hard enough to build a quorum at the polls four years, imagine trying to get people to vote every month.

Interesting? Probably not. Most likely you don’t care, so why did I bother wasting your time splicing hairs about a democracy and a republic. In a democracy, since citizens have to vote for every major issue, there is no hiding behind the elected government. In a republic, too many of us treat voting like picking a mechanic. Once we pick a good one, we rely on the mechanic to tell us what is wrong with the car and fix it. We’ll just pay the bill at the end. If we don’t like the mechanic we chose, the next time we need a repair we will pick another one. Anything the mechanic did wrong isn’t our fault. It isn’t our responsibility.

Pulling the level in the voting boot is not the end of our responsibility. It really is just the beginning. We own every decision the elected government makes on our behalf, even if we voted for the other guy. It is our responsibility to monitor the government. It is our responsibility to let them know how we want the government to be run. It is our responsibility to tell the government which track it should be on.

Marco Riz, an illegal immigrant was fired from his job at the Texas Roadhouse. Frustrated by not being able to serve warm cinnamon buttered buns (they really are good at the Texas Roadhouse), Marco decided to go and rape someone. Marco isn’t exactly the type of upstanding law-abiding (other than illegally invading our country and illegally taking a job from a citizen) non-citizen immigrant enablers want you to think about when discussing soft hearted and soft headed amnesty laws. He is the knife wielding, SUV stealing, rape your women type of illegal I like to think about when discussing illegals. Marco apparently was wondering around with a 12-inch knife and happened upon a woman in a parked SUV. He hoped into the SUV and became the poster child of detestable. The brain trust officer discussing this case thought that this was a crime of opportunity. Marco just happened to run into an opportunity and took it. That doesn’t really explain why he was walking around with a 12-inch knife. The knife alone suggests this little crime spree was a bit premeditated.

Marco was the guest of the Providence police department before. There was an extradition order on Marco at the time. Unfortunately the Providence police department has elected to not follow proper procedures when checking on legal status of people it arrests. Instead of sending an electronic verification to Immigrations and Customers Enforcement (ICE), the Providence police department faxes over a hand written list of people they have arrested that day. First, I didn’t know people still owned fax machines. That isn’t really related to anything but I haven’t even seen a fax machine in years. Second, had Providence actually utilized ICE’s system, which is set up and ready to go in the Providence department, Marco would have been flagged as an illegal and perhaps deported.

Last week, Rhode Island Senator Marc A. Cote attempted to introduce legislation requiring all Rhode Island business with three or more employees to utilize Everify, a system allowing employers to quickly and easily verify the work eligibility status of new hires. Had this legislation been in effect when Marco applied at the Texas Roadhouse, he may have been refused employment. Following this line of what-ifs, had Marco not worked with those hot buttery Texas Roadhouse buns and then subsequently been fired, our friend Marco may not have been in Rhode Island to rape one of our citizens.

Unfortunately Senate Majority Leader M. Teresa Paiva-Weed (my rule of thumb, never trust anyone that needs so many names) refused to put forward Senator Cote legislation. She cited the growing hour, the lateness of the session and the other pressing issues, for example who pays for fire hydrants. Senator Paiva-Weed broke trust with the Rhode Island citizens by not allowing our representatives to vote on our behalf. One person with selfish desires has set government policy for all of Rhode Islanders. While we do not live in a democracy, Senator Paiva-Weed damages the concept that we live in a republic.

As citizens, it is our responsibility to monitor our government and to take action when our representatives fail us. Therefore, Rhode Islanders must become involved and save our community from our representatives. First, each of us must write or email our representative and insist that Rhode Island enact legislation requiring Rhode Island businesses utilize Everify. If such legislation is not enacted by November, inform your Senator you will be voting against the incumbent. Further inform your Senator you’re your expect Senator Paiva-Weed to be removed from the position of Senate Majority Leader. Second, citizens in Senator’s Paiva-Weed’s district (District 13, Jamestown, Newport) must remove her from office. Third, each of must contact our mayors and police departments with the expectation that they use ICE’s electronic verification system on all people arrested. Four, reach out to local business and ask them to voluntarily use Everify. Give you business to companies that utilize Everify.
That nothing has happened on immigration reform is our own fault. We can fix it. We simply need to inform our elected representatives that we will remove from office anyone who prevents a fair and just protection of our values.

Check out for Rhode Islanders for Immigration Law Enforcement

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Drill Here. Drill Now. Pay Less.

The old Newt is trying to become relevant again by feeding off of the oil lead energy crisis. He had launched a campaign and petition entitled "Drill Here. Drill Now. Pay Less." It's goal, other than to make people think Newt still exists, is to push congress to open drilling for oil anywhere and everywhere we have it in the U.S. The final hook for the American Ignorant is paying less at the pump. Every study done shows that if we drilled in every national treasure and through every caribou's' head, the price of oil would go down less than a percent and the price of gas may go down as much as a nickle . . . by 2020 when all of these oil fields would actually be up and running at full capacity.

Newt also has a plan to build nuclear power plants to, he claims, reduce our dependence on foreign oil (by 2025 once the plants are built). Of course, very little of our oil goes to generating electricity. Oil refineries take in crude oil and separates it into different types of fuel; e.g. gas and heating oil. If we stopped using oil to generate electricity, the quality of oil used to power those plants wouldn't have another use. It would just sit there. Nuclear is not an option to offset oil use.

So as much as I'm calling Newt a liar for falsely claiming drilling will significantly lower the price at the pump, I am for drilling. My purpose wouldn't be to lower price but would be decrease exporting American money and jobs. Additionally many of the countries that export oil are using our own money to fund military and terrorist groups against us.

I am concerned about global warming too. I'm not an alarmist but I feel there is enough possibility that global warming is real that we should take it into consideration when making long term policy. Therefore, I believe we also need to start getting off our oil addiction. What's my plan?

Do it all and do it now. Drill. Conserve. Shale. Wind. Solar. Higher CAFE standards (and raise the equivalent standards on dish washers, washing machines, etc). Convert the farm bill from providing farmers short term assistant to helping them add wind to their fields and facilities to convert farm waste into energy, providing them a second source of income for years to come. Replace income/capital gains taxes with taxes on oil, coal, virgin wood, fertilizers, tobacco, etc. It would encourage people to use less of these items and raise the economic viability of alternatives. Additionally, it would make illegals and drug lords pay taxes since taxes would be on consumption instead of production. Use global warming agreements with other countries to minimize China's and India's growth in oil usage.

and interesting read