Sunday, August 31, 2008

Baby bag

The first time we left the house with our first child it took my wife and I 45 minutes to leave the house. My wife had a list entitled “Check List For New Born Diaper Bag” from a book she bought. I had gone online and found a check list called “absolutely necessary items for your new born bag.” The lists were not the same so we had to check each of our lists against each other. When there was a discrepancy between the lists we went with the higher amount. For the hour trip we had five diapers, three changes of cloths, two changing pads, three bottles (even though my daughter was breast fed) and an array of ointments.

Today we visited some friends who live an hour away and brought our third child. We were planning to stay a few hours so I threw in a couple of bottles. My wife had restocked the bag the other day. It was heavy when I tossed it into the minivan. After a couple of hours Baby Sammy started to cry, so we looked into the bag. There was a coloring book, two boxes of crayons, some mail we’ve been looking for, several toys and a diet coke. While there were two large bottles, there was only a half a bottle’s worth of formula. We gave Baby Sammy that and he calmed down. He wasn’t content but he was calm so we decided to stay for awhile longer. When it was time to leave, I went to change Baby Sammy since he hadn’t had a clean bottom in a while and his package was looking quite large. Baby Sammy doesn’t like to be wet. The crayons didn’t help. The toys didn’t help. Nothing in the bag resembled a diaper. We decided it was time to head home in a hurry. As soon as we hit the freeway the minivan started to be unresponsive. We didn’t fill the gas tank either.

We got off on the first exit that claimed to have a gas station. A mile off the freeway we hadn’t seen a gas station but saw many lovely trees. Then we saw the sign. It read, “Duck Crossing.” Rule of thumb, there are no gas stations near duck crossings.

Friday, August 29, 2008

crappy boy

My wife was holding Baby Sammy and we were both making cute little baby talk to him. His expression changed a little and his aroma changed a lot. In the same tone as I was just talking to him, I asked, "Sammy are you a crappy boy?" His face squished up, his lip assumed pout position and he shook his head vigorously. He claimed he is not a crappy boy. I still had to wipe something off his little butt.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Giving my wife the finger

I was in an argument at work. I came home angry and started pouring my heart out to my wife. As I passionately told her my story, I punctuated each point with a hand gesture but my wife kept looking around the room. When I needed her to listen, she wouldn’t look at me. I started to get angry with her and snapped at her to listen to me. She said, “I’m trying but you keep pointing. I’m trying to see what you are pointing at.” Apparently my punctuations were done with my indexed finger extended for all apparent purposes. . . me pointing.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

peeing on my floor

I came home and my wife calls out in a cheery voice, “Daddy, do you know what your daughter did? She peed on the floor. Isn’t that great? We have to get her a reward.”

My wife sounded sober and there were no near empty margarita glasses near her. I could detect no sarcasm in her voice and no invitation for me to honestly answer exactly how great I thought it was for my daughter peed on my floor. My daughter looked proud of peeing on my floor.

“Alright!” I unconvincingly cheer. “Good job honey!”

Today, my wife was getting ready to give the girls a bath. She had them go to their rooms and undress. My youngest daughter came running out of her room (naked) and pisses all over the hallway. My wife started to get upset but then my oldest daughter spoke up.

Apparently yesterday my daughter had yet another accident on the carpet in our house that is mostly wood floors. My wife, in frustration, tells my daughter if she is going to have an accident try to have it on the wood floor. It is easier to clean there. So when my youngest daughter peed on the hardwood floor in the hallway instead of on the carpet in her room, she was doing as she was told. We celebrated.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Top 5 recommended amount of corner time

In my house we use time outs in the corner as punishment. My wife and I investigated what a reasonable amount of time in the corner would be. Generally speaking the various sources all agreed that 1 minute in the corner per year of the child’s age is effective without being unreasonable. My wife and I have come up with alternative recommendations:

1.) Stay in the corner until I’m not mad anymore – a great parental tool for when the kids a driving you crazy and breaking everything in their room seems like a good idea.

2.) Stay in the corner until I finish dinner – this is a good one if you have a nice steak for dinner. If you spend time fighting with the kids, the steak will cool and not be so enjoyable. Some times I don’t wait for the kids to do anything wrong. I just send them in the corner based on how good dinner smells while its cooking.

3.) Stay in the corner until you can tell my why I sent you into the corner – this is most effective if you can’t remember why you are punishing the kids but you are sure that they deserve punishment.

4.) Stay in the corner until you sister leaves – this time is most effective when the kids seem drawn to fight and one of them is going somewhere anyway. You can’t put the one who is leaving in the corner because then she couldn’t get ready.

5.) Stay in the corner until I leave – I’ve found that this one is most effective for me when I’m running late for going to work. I little time out is just what I need.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Middle Aged Dementia

I grew up in an age where computers were the norm. Every child had some version of a computer at home, although most of us didn’t know what to do with it. I remember a Texas Instruments that we owned. Every couple of minutes you had to swap cartridges to give the thing the next section of code. My brother was the best programmer I knew at the time because he was able to program the screen to change colors to the beat of a Pink Floyd LP. He had to adjust the timing if the weather was too hot or cold.

I never considered myself a programmer but I stay fairly competent with the programs I used regularly. Since I work in an office, I mainly used spreadsheets and occasionally looked up something on the internet. Now that I’ve started blogging I realize just how much I need to learn. It isn’t enough to blog but apparently I’m supposed to have myspace, facebook and youtube too (or is it you tube). I’ve never used google as a verb in a sentence. I did try to use yahoo as a verb once but that didn’t go over too well. Do you know that I actually shop in this thing called a mall. I have never purchased anything from ebay and I think craigslist should be craig’s business and no one elses’. Leave poor craig alone.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Flying on empty

Pilots and flight dispatchers are complaining that airlines are putting less fuel into aircraft in order to save money. Fuel weighs around seven pounds per gallon, so if a plane lands with 1000 gallons of unused fuel, the plan carried 7,000 pounds of excess weight. Carrying that weight is expensive. Unfortunately the airlines are unable to guess exactly how efficient a plan will be on any given flight. It may have to idle for extra long on the runway or the head winds might be stronger than expected, slowing the plane down and requiring extra fuel. It might be as simple as the pilot has a lead foot. AAA keeps telling us that driving over the speed limit cuts down on our fuel efficiency. It probably holds true for planes.

Given that they extra fuel may keep the plane in the sky just long enough to reach my airport, I think I should have a vote what I value (in weight) enough to trade for more fuel. Here’s my list:

That stewardess who sits in the extra seat, reading magazines and yells stay in your seats every time the line for the bathroom gets a little long should be left at home. She must be worth 30 gallons of extra fuel.

There always seems to be an abundance of blue water in the bathroom. I would guess that weighs about the same as fuel, therefore, I propose we only bring enough blue water for one flush per toilet. Mid-weigh through the flight, the stewardess can go through and flush the toilets. We might stink a bit when we land. I would rather land stinky and crash with a fresh pine scent. That must be worth 200 gallons.

Some flights actually provide some sort of food. The meal seems to always include boiled carrots. I haven’t seen anyone actually eat those boiled carrots and live. Therefore, I propose we cut out the boiled carrots. That must be worth 2 gallons of fuel.

Every time I’ve flown, I have had an issue finding a place to stuff my oversized carryon bags because the bins are filled with cheap dirty blankets and pillows. No one in their right mind would actually allow these germ traps to touch their bodies. Therefore, I propose removing all blankets and pillows. That must be worth 20 gallons.

I have just traded those few creature comforts for an extra 252 gallons of fuel.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Baby crib placement techniques

Given Baby Sammy’s propensity to have multiple pee-throughs and pee-arounds a night (see my July 30 post “Baby Talk” for definitions we have researched techniques for baby crib placement management. The results of our research and home trials are have left us with two viable techniques. Please note that changing the cribs sheets multiple times in the night is not an option. That is just too hard and we only own three crib sheets. We would have to do a load of crib pee sheets every day.

The first technique is the “four square” crib placement. This is a simple method where you place the baby’s head in one corner and have the body go the length of the crib. I suggest placing the baby in the hardest corner to reach first because the first placement is when you have the most strength. When the baby has a pee through, change the kid and now place his head in the opposite corner. This puts the pee a good half a body length away. If there is a second pee-through, change the kid and then place his head in one of the remaining two corners. If third pee-through occurs, change and place baby in final corner. If fourth pee-through occurs, change baby and place in bathtub.

Baby Sammy can fill the bathtub even after the fourth pee-through. Therefore, we have developed a more aggressive technique. Place babies feet in far corner with body running the length of the crib. With each pee-through change baby and move toward opposite side of the crib six inches at a time. The baby’s feet might still be in the lake but those can be wiped the next day. Don’t worry overly much about that. Once the baby’s head reaches the other side of the crib, flip him around and start going the other direction. You should be able to get through 8 pee-throughs in a given night.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Cindy McCain Buffalo Chip

I don’t know if there is any historical precedent for this but it was in the movie Troy, so how inaccurate could it be? Achilles is the hero of one army. Some mean looking giant of a fellow is the hero of another army. Instead of having tens of thousands fight and thousands die, Achilles and the giant fight. Achilles did some fancy ballet move and killed the giant, claiming victory for his army. The war was over no muss no fuss.

This week John McCain joked that his wife, Cindy, should enter the Buffalo Chip semi-nude hot chick contest in front of 50,000 bikers. I’m sure McCain was just joking. There’s no way that we would pimp out his wife for 50,000 votes. Would he?

What does champions fighting have to do with a presidential elects wife competing in a best breasts contests, you ask? I’ll tell you. Since McCain started the idea of utilizing his wife’s assets in this way, what if we go global with it? Instead of fighting battles where men and women on both sides of the conflict die horrible deaths, let’s have the spouses of leaders do hot body contests. Perhaps they could just do a bikini contest regarding conflicts over trade deals. Then we up the stakes to a wet T-shirt contest if the conflict involves hostages and the Full Monty instead of invading a country.

Another Geneva Convention would have to be held. Instead of setting rules of proper treatment for prisoners of war, it would have to set other standards, for example when is a thong appropriate in combat versus traditional bikini bottoms, can the T-shirts be cut or modified in anyway and what sort of augmentation are the champions allowed.

With war being fought by our champions, it may affect my vote. While Cindy McCain may be more physically appealing, Michelle Obama seems much smarter and has a stronger personality. I’ve always found intelligence and personality appealing. Ralph Nader or Bob Barr are out.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Space Camp

My six year old went to a local two-day space camp. The five year old was signed up but a summer bug kept her home. When my six year old was three she knew all of the planets, including newly discovered ones in the Kuiper Belt. For each planet, she knew the about it’s atmosphere, the number of moons it had, it’s color, it’s temperature and anything else I could remember from frantic internet searches.

Being a proud dad, I made her perform like a new dog. Sit, shake hands and tell me what’s longer: Venus’s day or year. At first, I tried to have adults ask her questions about the solar system but nobody in my family knew enough to ask any questions. I put an end to the question and answer period when my mom asked, “Is the moon made out of cheese?” Even at three, my girl knew that was a stupid question. My mom didn’t know.

After awhile, I couldn’t remember any more facts about the solar system. I would look up more facts and stuff my head full of them. By the time we had a chance to talk about all I had learned the facts all fell out of my head. Little bits of information like who was the first person to walk on the moon, how many rings does Saturn have and how wide is Olympus Mons (it’s a mountain on mars) lay littered on the floor of our house. My wife checked out space books from the library for me to look up facts. That didn’t work so well so my wife checked out books for us to read to my daughter. My daughter noticed in one of the books that Olympus Mons (I brought it up in the last sentence on purpose – it’s all coming together now) appeared to be too flat in the picture because NASA claimed it was the tallest mountain in the solar system. You can use that bit of trivia around the dinner table tonight if you want. My daughter had me email NASA to argue the height. She asked the question and I just typed. NASA actually emailed back with facts and figures.

By five, her interests moved on to Tinker Bell’s fairy friends and much of the planet information was lost. When my wife suggested this space camp, I didn’t think my six year old would be interested but I was wrong. (I should listen to my wife more. I’m not going to but I should). My daughter had designed her own space backpack with radios and keys to get back into the space station. She created a space lab with it’s own rocket on a swivel, just in case the lab needs to fly around. Luckily, this time my daughter can read. Now my wife can check out books for my daughter to read to herself.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

John McCain's Straight Talk left behind inflating tires

John McCain’s Straight Talk Express pulled over to inflate its tires at a local convenience store on Monday. Straight Talk went into the food market to pick up snacks for the spin group still hard at work on the bus. Unfortunately in all of the commotion, no one noticed Straight Talk had left the bus and the bus drove off, leaving Straight Talk behind.

Since Straight Talk was no longer allowed to participate in McCain’s strategy and communication team meetings, it’s disappearance wasn’t noticed until the following day when McCain campaign manager Rick Davis looked for Straight Talk for Rick Davis’s daily workout session of kicking Straight Talk’s tail around the bus. When Straight Talk could not be found, the McCain camp originally communicated through it’s honorary spokesmen, Fox News, that Barack Obama must have parted the seas and sent Paris Hilton and Britney Spears to abduct Straight Talk. Only once that accusation was proven false did secondary spokespersons Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity start accusing Obama of the abduction.

The McCain camp has forbidden Straight Talk from carrying a cell phone as Straight Talk might contradict all prior communications from the McCain camp. Straight Talk may communicate items such as Barack Obama’s energy plan has nothing to do with inflating tires or tire gauges, even though all professional automotive organizations and major McCain supporters Joe Lieberman, Mike Rogers, Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger have suggest proper vehicle maintenance to maximize fuel efficiency and that John McCain knows drilling will not significantly decrease gas prices. Additionally, there is concern that Straight Talk's communications would not provide news organizations, such as CBS with Katie Couric, enough time to edit Straight Talk's messages before releasing to the masses. McCain's communications team has stressed the absolute necessity of disporting their campaign leader's , namely John McCain's, replies before consumption by the American voter. The campaign's official position is that American citizen's right to know more about who is running for president only applies to Barack Obama.

Lacking any official means to communicate, Straight Talk remains missing. The McCain camp has released the following announcement, “While Straight Talk is dearly missed campaign obligations will prevent the McCain team from actively searching for Straight Talk until after November. Straight Talk, if you hear this message, know that you are loved and keep your mouth shut unless you are going to say Obama abducted you.”

Monday, August 4, 2008

The differences between the first child and the third child

The differences between the first child and the third child, early months:

The first child slept in a bassinette in our room for eight months.
The third child was moved to his own room (with a monitor) by the fourth month.

When the first child made any noise at night we jumped up to check on her.
When the third child makes lots of noises at night, I turn down the volume on the monitor.

When the first child cried during the day, we gave her a bottle.
When the third child cries during the day, we give him a bottle and ask the first child to get a bottle for daddy out of the fridge.

When the first child pooped in the tub, I would drain the tub, wash the tub, refill the tub and finish the bath.
When the third child poops in the tub, we play scoop the poop, finish the bath and try to remember to tell my wife not to nibble on his toes until after the next bath. I try.

Being home alone with the first child was stressful and difficult.
Being home alone with the third child is a pleasure as long as first and second child are in school or camp.

When the first child accomplished anything, we checked two or three books to make sure she was on track and to see if there was anything we could do to help encourage her development.
When the third child accomplishes anything . . . really when did he accomplish anything? The first child is doing two digit math in her head going in to 1st grade. The second child hasn’t started kindergarten yet but reads to us. What did he do? Roll onto his side? Whooooooo!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Search engine fun

I use sitemeter to see how people come to my site. I get very few visitors from search engines and I enjoy seeing what their search terms were before arriving to my site. Maybe, I think, I could learn what people are looking for and create posts to bring to me.

Before I talk about how people were searching for I'm going to mention a few things that I write about. I'm a parent of three kids 6 years old and younger. My wife and I have built our lives around these little leaches, I mean kids. So many of my posts are above the kids and things I think are entertaining about the kids. I've written about children's diaries, diaper accidents, circumcision and how big my butt is to them. I'm also pretty interested in politics and news today. I tend to be a centrist but I really can't stand the Sean Hannity's of the world. I believe their agenda/ratings over truth is dangerous. They lead too many small minds into the wrong battles. Therefore, I've written about Sean Hannity, martyrs (and the virgins they are promised - my attempt at humor) and elections.

So after all of that, what were the searchers looking for:
Cock mutilations
Wet diaper virgins
Sean Hannity

As of yet, there have NOT been searches regarding "Hannity in a wet diaper" but I'm waiting.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Entrecard Contest

Design my entrecard. I need a better 125 pixel by 125 pixel. The one I designed is on the front page of my blog. It needs to be consistent with the title "The truth is out there. Don't let it in." as well as the content. Most of my content is either things I find funny about parenting/children or about politics.

Submit a link to the entrecard you designed for my contest in a comment to this post by August 8th. I will select the one I like best by August 11th and reward the winner. The winner can either have A.) 500ec or B.) I will link to your site on my blog roll and leave up for no less than 3 months, I will leave 5 content related comments on your blog by August 15 and I digg/stumble 3 of your posts (you tell me which ones). Either way I will write a post about the winner and include a link.

Don't use pictures you don't have rights to and by entering the contest you give me the right to use the image if you win. The image must be 125 by 125 pixel JPG. (I won't use those that didn't win).