Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Helmet Head - update

Helmet head had a scan yesterday. The helmet has been on for about a month and he has had some progress. He officially has improved from “mutant child” to “almost human.” In another month he won’t have an advantage in getting science fiction acting roles. I’m going to go call the SciFi channel now.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Automatic Flushing Toilets

I hate automatic flushing toilets. My hate for automatic flushing toilets is not just a surface level hate. It is multi-level. First, I hate these plumbing related beasts as a father. My daughters were always afraid of being flushed away. Children are not big enough to reliably be “seen” by the all seeing eye of the poop receptor, frequently leading to a premature flush while the child is on the toilet. Therefore, in addition to supporting the kid during sensitive operations and practicing defensive positions to keep the child away from suspicious stains, I would have to keep a free hand hovering over the red eye to prevent a flushing incident. Since the girls were also afraid of the noise, I had to maintain this position while wiping and dressing the kid.

On a more personal level I hate automatic flushing toilets because my shit stinks. I am a rather large person. In a normal size stall, it is impossible for me to give a courtesy flush. If I have been fortunate enough to secure a handicapped stall, I can swing my bare ass far enough to the side away from the red eye to give a friendly flush. When I’m protecting the child from the flush, any momentary lapse away from the red eye will trigger an unwanted flush but when I’m hanging my big naked bottom over the side, it takes about ten minutes to trigger the toilet.

Finally, I hate automatic flush toilets during cleanup. As soon as I stand, I trigger that courtesy flush. You are welcome. Then I tend to my sanitary needs but this requires an additional flush. Again, when there are children involved a mere wave of my hand will cause an unwanted flush. When the toilet needs an additional rinse and I’m waving my hands in front of that little red eyed jerk, there’s no flush.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I'm right!

I'm right! I'm right! I'm right! No matter how wrong I am, I'm right! My wife's throat hurts to the point she can't talk. Since she can't say I'm wrong then I must be right!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Looking good

I had a job interview on Monday. I came downstairs in suit and tie, looking my spiffiest. My two loving daughters, ages 5 and 6, were playing in the living room. My 5 year old says, “Daddy, you look the most hansom that I have ever seen you.” My 6 year old looks at me, standing proud and looking good, says, “What? Did you get a haircut or something?”

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bed time 1, 2, 3's

My six year old has trouble going to sleep. It is difficult for her to slow her mind down. She’ll start thinking about something and will stay up as late as she can to think about it. I’ve suggested vodka shots but (so far) my wife has interfered. A little while ago, I suggested that she try to count as high as she can. The monotony of counting, I reasoned, would lull her to sleep. It worked a few times but a couple of nights ago, I went in to check on her after suggesting the counting trick. She was bouncing in bed full of excitement. She had counted to 462!!!! I’m not sure how she was able to count past 461 but not make it to 463 but that is where she stopped. She was so excited about being able to count so high she didn’t go to sleep for another 20 minutes.

I checked on her last night and she was having trouble sleeping. I started to suggest counting again but she told me, “That doesn’t work because I get so excited because I can count so high.” After indulging in a moment of parental pride, I had a flash of brilliance. “Honey,” I suggested, “how about counting down from 100.” I figured the numbers ran out and she wouldn’t have the issue of counting has high as she could. She would count down to zero and drift to sleep. I gave her a hug, indulged in some self-pride and went to bed. I checked on her a little while later. She was bouncing in bed. “Daddy, I’m down to negative 10 and I’m going to see how high in the negative numbers I can count!!!!” I just went back to bed.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Grounded by my seven month old

My 7 month old grounded me, I think. I was feeding him a dinner of winter squash, which he loves. Baby Sammy eating winter squash is like watch Cookie Monster eat cookies before they became a once-in-awhile-food. I ran out of winter squash and tried to feed him some green bean mush. Baby Sammy is not a Cookie Monster like fan of green bean mush. In fact, Baby Sammy doesn’t care for green bean mush at all.

He ate a couple of bites but quickly let show his displeasure. Fearing a diapered revolt, my wife brought me a new batch of winter squash. I had foolishly thought that switching back to a favorite food would appease the little one. Baby Sammy took two bites of the new winter squash and refused to take more. I could tell he was still hungry by the little clues only someone who’s been a parent can truly interpret. Of example, with his lips pressed firmly together he still screeched loud enough to drive his sisters from the room and he chubby little legs kept kicking his tray. Even with those subtle hints of hunger, Baby Sammy refused to take another bite of the food he loved.

About ten minutes later and my third try, Baby Sammy started eating again and he ate every drop of winter squash. Cookie Monster leaves crumbs in his orgy of cookie eating love. Baby Sammy did not leave the tiniest drop of winter squash. I think Baby Sammy was punishing me for serving him that evil pile of green goo. He assumed that I love to feed him because I do twice a day and so he took that activity away for ten minutes so that I learned my lesson. I did learn my lesson. This morning I left the green goo in the refrigerator and served him carrots. Carrots are even better than winter squash on Baby Sammy’s scale.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Perfect Breasts

I’ve heard that Christina Applegate had preventative double mastectomy and is now having reconstructive surgery. If she really wants to have the perfect breasts, I recommend installing a beer tap in one and T.V. remote in the other. No man could resist her.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Third political party

I believe is was Lewis Black who called the Republicans and the Democrats the party of no ideas and the part of bad ideas. I don’t remember which was which from his point of view but it hardly matters. The time has come for both the Republican and the Democratic parties to become a footnote in history filed under “Failed.”

So what, I ask myself and any who wish to comment, tenets should a new party live by. Luckily, myself answered. Please see below and comment if you wish.

1.) The party of political reform and accountability. This includes removing lobbyist from the political process and aggressively pursuing waste and misuse of public resources (mainly by politicians).
2.) The party of balanced budget. The federal government is not allowed to spend one penny more than it’s obligations.
3.) The party of investment in the future. Education, new businesses, science, technology and new manufacturing are to be focal points for this party.
What would you add?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Home sick

I'm home sick today. I'm feeling ok but I was throwing up yesterday and haven't felt well all week. I told the kids that I'm going to stay home and relax while they go to school. My five year old said, "I have a great idea, Dad. You can watch us at karate today. It is very relaxing because you can just sit and watch the kids." I got the hint. As long as I'm not throwing again, this afternoon I'll go relax in karate.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Wooden Arrows and Idiots

“We have acted boldly to prevent the crisis on Wall Street from becoming a crisis in communities across our country,” President Bush said when the house passed a pork barrel filled, embarrassingly ineffectively, anti-American bail out bill today. “Boldly” was the word he chose. When does acting boldly cross the line to acting foolishly?

I believe the votes can be broken down into three groups. The first are people who actually believe we are in a financial crisis and that this package will prevent the worst fiscal crisis in our country’s history. I’ll call them the idiots.

The second group in congress who voted for this bill has no real understanding of financial markets but President Bush scared them. In their panic, they are lashing the financial future of the country to any floating stick they can find. They’ll shove any good ideas under the surface just to keep themselves afloat. I’ll call this group the cowards.

The final group who voted for this bill has been purchased by pork barrel projects. During this time of crisis, they stopped and said “what’s in it for me?” A great example is two Oregon representatives who switched their votes to yes once a provision protecting makers of children’s arrows was added. This provision is going to help a grand total of 9 companies in the nation, two of which are in Oregon. The country cried out for leadership and Senators Ron Wyden and Gordon Smith kicked the American people in the crotch. Luckily we will have wooden arrows to shoot at them. I ask the people of Oregon to vote against Senator Gordon Smith in 2008 and against Senator Ron Wyden in 2010. Oregon, stand up for your country and bring these two down.

Let’s hop on over to my own state of Rhode Island, may it fall into the ocean. Representative Patrick Kennedy, who is only in politics out of some perverse aristocracy, tacked on a measure to provide mental health care for millions of Americans. Unlike the wooden arrow atrocity, I don’t fault the need for mental health assistance. This is true now more than ever as our politicians as well as our financial institutions screw the American public. I do get a sense of satisfaction knowing that the politicians are getting sloppy seconds. Speaking about messy stains, let’s get back to Patrick Kennedy. While the country needed sanity, he embraced a pet project and tacked it on to the biggest foolish blunder in American financial history. I will be voting against Patrick Kennedy in November and I ask other Rhode Islanders to do the same.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


My 5 year old sent an email to me at work. She reads well for her age. When she writes words she isn't confident with yet she'll go around the house and find birthday cards, cereal boxes and toys that has the words she needs and copy the words from her sources to make her message.

My email read, "Hi Daddy. Wii will see you at the end of the day. Love."

Note that "we" is spelled "Wii".