Friday, September 26, 2008

M Class

There is a commercial that claims the BMW M class car senses when you are about to be in an accident and closes the windows. I assume BMW drivers want to windows closed so that no one can here them scream right before impact. I have few other useful suggestions of what the car might accomplish just before impact. It could spray some air freshener, just incase the drive craps himself. Perhaps clean underwear could pop out of the dashboard for the driver to change into. That assumes, of course, the closing windows haven’t decapitated the driver.

The car could also start playing taps. There is nothing quite as sadly beautiful as taps playing at a military funeral. Additionally, the car could log into the drivers schedule and cancel the rest of today’s meetings. The driver will be otherwise occupied. Higher end versions of the car could cancel meetings based on the speed of impact. So if the car was only going 45 miles per hour at impact, it would only cancel today’s meetings. If it was traveling at 90 miles per hour, it would cancel meetings for a month.

I’m not sure if drivers would be willing to pay extra for the next couple of ideas but if the car senses that it is about to be in an accident, perhaps it could . . . I don’t know . . . . maybe it could put on the brakes. How about if there is about to be an accident, a voice comes on the radio and says, “LOOK OUT!!!!” That might be useful.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Helmet Head

My family is blessed with unusually powerful, almost god-like, intelligence. This blessing comes at a cost. Our brains are so heavy that it deforms our skulls when we are babies. The shear weight flattens out which ever side we sleep on the most. Because of this, Baby Sammy now has to wear a helmet to help round out his skull.

That is the story I’m going to tell Baby Sammy when he’s old, unless he pisses me off. Then I’ll tell him his head was so empty his skull started to deflate like a party balloon as it looses air.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

John McCain Calls Running Mate Governor Sarah Palin A Crybaby.

This week Barack Obama was speaking about John McCain and Sarah Palin’s self-described “change” theme and said, “The other side, suddenly, they're saying 'we're for change too'. Now think about it, these are the same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years. You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. You can wrap up an old fish in a piece of paper and call it change. It's still going to stink after eight years. We've had enough.” John McCain’s campaign promptly issued a comment claiming that Sarah Palin was a crybaby and couldn’t handle mean things said about her. Governor Palin is especially sensitive to comments made by democrats as interpreted by propaganda machine talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as well as comments regarding pigs. Governor Palin does not appreciate discussions regarding animals that she is unable to shoot from a helicopter.

Apparently, Governor Palin did not know that she should be offended by Senator Obama’s comments until McCain’s campaign told her that Obama really meant something completely different than what he said. Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager apparently owns the only known “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring in existence. This ring is reportedly able to translate messages coming from the Obama campaign into what Obama and Joe Biden really meant. According to Rick Davis's decoder ring, Senator Obama's comments can be translated as follows:

"They're saying 'we're for change too" actually means "Republicans are the only ones for change."

"The same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years" actually means "try try again. The republicans need another eight years to fix the screw ups they made the first eight. We should all give McBush a chance."

"You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig" means "Obama hates you and Palin is a pig."

"We've had enough" means "Obama is a Muslim and Michelle Obama will eat your children if her husband is elected."

Apparently Rick Davis was unable to translate Barack Obama’s lipstick on a pig comment and disseminate the translation to all of John McCain’s surrogates as John McCain’s daughter said that the pig comment was not a big deal because daddy says it all of the time.

The accuracy of the decoder ring was recently put to the test when Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden said, “"I hear all this talk about how the Republicans are going to work in dealing with parents who have both the joy ... and the difficulty of raising a child who has a developmental disability, who were born with a birth defect. Well, guess what, folks? If you care about it, why don't you support stem cell research?" McCain’s campaign announced the translation of Biden’s comments as, “Governor Palin doesn’t love her Down Syndrome baby.”

Unsubstainiated rumors claim the Obama to “Obama to racist, sexist and ageist” decoder ring was created by sorcorer Karl Rove who also created the “Votes over lives” decoder ring that was able to prove the existence of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, links between Osama Bin Laden and Iraq and that evangical Christianity is the only valid religion and all other religions should be shot from helicopters like the lame moose they are.

While the McCain campaign has issued several statements along the lines of "You're rubber and I'm glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you," it has yet to respond to how John McCain and his 90% alignment with George Bush's policies represents changes. It has yet to respond to why is does not embrace life saving stem cell research or other scientific advances. It has yet to answer as to how Governor Palin spending the funds for the bridge to nowhere represents change from the pork enriched government.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

That ungrateful brat

My wife took the kids to karate class. The older ones (5 and 6 years old) joined right in the exercise but Baby Sammy started to get fussy. My wife told the girls that she would walk Baby Sammy outside but would watch most of the class through the studio’s picture windows. A couple of minutes later my 6 year old catches my wife’s eye and starts jumping up and down excitedly. She’s holding one hand up in the air with thumb and index finger extended in an “L”. My wife just stood there. We don’t use the loser sign in our house, at least not where the kids can see. We’ve never seen either of the kids use it. This is the end of summer break and the girls haven’t been around other kids to learn it. Most importantly my wife had a good day with the girls. Why is the 6 year old calling my wife a loser and looking so happy about it. 10 seconds tick by. My daughter is still jumping. 20 seconds tick by. My wife’s jaw is still hanging in the wind. Then my wife notices that the pinky finger is also up, converting the “loser” hand single to an “I love you” sign language.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Guess the Evaporation Rate

Baby Sammy and I play a game at night called “guess the evaporation rate.” Baby Sammy doesn’t like to be wet yet despite the super absorbent nighttime diapers he will have two or three pee throughs over the course of the night. The game is played by feeling Baby Sammy’s clothes to see how wet they are and then trying to determine if they will dry enough for Baby Sammy to go back to sleep by the time he is done with his bottle or if he will need a change of clothes. While the rules of the game seem simple, there are many variables to consider. Obviously, you need to determine exactly how wet his clothes are. The extremes range from “barely noticeable” to “he splashes when I try to burp him.” Most pee throughs range somewhere between those extremes. One must also consider where the pee through is located on his clothes. A wet spot over his diaper is scored much differently than a wet spot under his armpit. Location of the wet spot is also important when considering how one holds Baby Sammy while feeding him. If both you and Baby Sammy are touching the wet spot while he drinks his bottle then the heat of both of your bodies evaporate the wet spot much quicker. Finally, one must consider how hungry Baby Sammy is likely to be. Typically he drinks less earlier in the night and more later in the night. This difference in feeding could double or triple the time the spot has to evaporate. One wins by minimizing the amount of time and effort one must exert before going back to bed.