Thursday, October 23, 2008

Automatic Flushing Toilets

I hate automatic flushing toilets. My hate for automatic flushing toilets is not just a surface level hate. It is multi-level. First, I hate these plumbing related beasts as a father. My daughters were always afraid of being flushed away. Children are not big enough to reliably be “seen” by the all seeing eye of the poop receptor, frequently leading to a premature flush while the child is on the toilet. Therefore, in addition to supporting the kid during sensitive operations and practicing defensive positions to keep the child away from suspicious stains, I would have to keep a free hand hovering over the red eye to prevent a flushing incident. Since the girls were also afraid of the noise, I had to maintain this position while wiping and dressing the kid.

On a more personal level I hate automatic flushing toilets because my shit stinks. I am a rather large person. In a normal size stall, it is impossible for me to give a courtesy flush. If I have been fortunate enough to secure a handicapped stall, I can swing my bare ass far enough to the side away from the red eye to give a friendly flush. When I’m protecting the child from the flush, any momentary lapse away from the red eye will trigger an unwanted flush but when I’m hanging my big naked bottom over the side, it takes about ten minutes to trigger the toilet.

Finally, I hate automatic flush toilets during cleanup. As soon as I stand, I trigger that courtesy flush. You are welcome. Then I tend to my sanitary needs but this requires an additional flush. Again, when there are children involved a mere wave of my hand will cause an unwanted flush. When the toilet needs an additional rinse and I’m waving my hands in front of that little red eyed jerk, there’s no flush.

5 comments:

Christine said...

I agree. Automatic flushing toilets are evil.

The Logisitician said...

I'm with you on the courtesy flush, although I have figured out a method to get it to flush when you aren't "quite through." Simply stand up as if you are getting ready to leave, and it'll flush. Of course, be sure to have extra toilet handy to avoid soiling your underwear or your outer garments.

(On as serious note, there is usually a manual flush button HIDDEN somewhere near where the handle traditionally was located.)

The cup is half full of something I don't like said...

Logistican: You are a leg cramp saver. I now look for the button before I start in on my contortions.

Midwest Mom said...

Finally! Someone who understands my deep resentment of auto-flush toilets!

Truly, I think that red eye was really what Frodo was seeing in his nightmares before he destroyed the Ring.

For me, the most awful part is that the super-germy-turbo-spray is bigger than the deficit, and RIGHT IN YOUR FACE when it flushes.

E coli, anyone?

Malady said...

Oh my god, you are hilarious. I never really had anything against these toilets, but I can see they will be a hazard when Hayden is old enough to start using them. Fuck!