Friday, July 25, 2008

Why aren't there more gay martyrs?

An Islamic extremists believes if he becomes a martyr, meaning dieing in the act of killing someone else, he will go to heaven where 72 virgins will be waiting to serve him. That’s a lot of virgins. Multiply out 72 virgins by the number of martyrs and you really started accumulating some hymen.

Where are the virgins coming from? If the virgins are the female version of Islamic extremists, then some of the martyr’s motivation is suddenly more understandable. He isn’t getting any satisfaction on earth, might as well blow himself up. Ending Islamic extremist sponsored terrorism could be as simply as putting Spanish Fly in the water supply. Loosen up those bursas and put away the exploding bels.

Since the incentive is virgins, I would suspect that there aren’t very many gay martyrs. I can’t imagine they want to spend their afterlife coordinating shoes and providing fashion advice to a bunch of women who couldn’t even get laid in life. Where’s the drama in that?

What about women martyrs? Do they get 72 female virgins? If so, does that imply that women martyrs are lesbian? If they aren’t lesbian can they go on the prowl in heaven looking for a guy and would that guy need to have 72 wingmen to occupy the virgins?

Are the virgins all female? Having male virgins would allow some reward for female martyrs but would being the only women with a bunch of guys who died virgins be heaven. She’d never get any rest. All 72 of them have some serious pent up energy from a sexless life. She’d spend half her afterlife hiding behind clouds. Also I can’t image 72 dead male virgins would be much for upkeep on the heavenly home.

If there are male virgins, gay martyrs are back in play but I think there might be a better recruiting angle. Instead of telling prospective martyrs they get 72 virgins if they go blow themselves up, tell them that they will be one of the virgins to a gay martyr. The choice is clear. Either they blow themselves up on earth or they spend their afterlife blowing something else.

Finally, what if the virgins, whether male or female, gay or straight, are from other religions. What sort of major sin must one commit to die a virgin and then have to spend your afterlife in heaven as a slave to some smelly martyr? It seems like it would be worse than hell to be in heaven but to spend your afterlife with a murder who keeps trying to ride you like a camel.


Aaron Brand said...

Maybe the virgins are androgynous celestials.

├čry™ said...

interesting thought. well let's leave it up to the martyrs.

Anonymous said...

mmmm...interesting...I never thought about that...but the main question is: did the martyrs think about this before die????

SavvyD said...

Interesting thoughts. You are just plain weird. You know I got a little political recently and you got a little relational. Weird. Let's not trade for too long. Living the sexless life, I can say as an authority on the subject, you are dead on about peent up sexual energy. Shhh!! Don't tell my readers!!

Drop back by when you have a chance!

The World As I See It said...

I also don't expect to see any gay martyrs, but what do the female martyrs who sacrifice their lives get... Male virgins? Also, with the increase in martyrs, does anyone know if ther will be enough virgins to go around?

Anthony at said...

"Either they blow themselves up on earth or they spend their afterlife blowing something else" ROTFLMAOL!!

That's a tough perspective indeed! If I'd face that decission I'd rather blow myself up on 1/100 of a second than keep blowing something else for ethernity :D

Anonymous said...

It makes no sense to me - the concept, not your post. What is so attractive about virginity?

R. said...

i feel i have some authority to address your question re: why aren't their more gay martyrs? you see, i am in fact a lesbian, and my wife has called me a martyr more than once. the only thing i blow up in the name of my beliefs is my dialog, and if blowing that up meant having to tend to 72 virgins (of any persuasion) on the other side than i have to say (for the first time in my life) that i would be tempted to keep my frickin' mouth shut. virgins are high maintenance and bad at what they do, if they finally do "it". so no thank-you lord i'll just pipe down and take a nap instead.

although... some have argued that i'm not even going to make it to the heavenly part of the other side so maybe i'll just keep ranting and take my chances;-)

thanks for the laugh!
actually, i'm a parent too, so thanks for the laughS!

check me out if you like at boogersandpoop.blogspot

Marilyn said...

Good post.