An Islamic extremists believes if he becomes a martyr, meaning dieing in the act of killing someone else, he will go to heaven where 72 virgins will be waiting to serve him. That’s a lot of virgins. Multiply out 72 virgins by the number of martyrs and you really started accumulating some hymen.
Where are the virgins coming from? If the virgins are the female version of Islamic extremists, then some of the martyr’s motivation is suddenly more understandable. He isn’t getting any satisfaction on earth, might as well blow himself up. Ending Islamic extremist sponsored terrorism could be as simply as putting Spanish Fly in the water supply. Loosen up those bursas and put away the exploding bels.
Since the incentive is virgins, I would suspect that there aren’t very many gay martyrs. I can’t imagine they want to spend their afterlife coordinating shoes and providing fashion advice to a bunch of women who couldn’t even get laid in life. Where’s the drama in that?
What about women martyrs? Do they get 72 female virgins? If so, does that imply that women martyrs are lesbian? If they aren’t lesbian can they go on the prowl in heaven looking for a guy and would that guy need to have 72 wingmen to occupy the virgins?
Are the virgins all female? Having male virgins would allow some reward for female martyrs but would being the only women with a bunch of guys who died virgins be heaven. She’d never get any rest. All 72 of them have some serious pent up energy from a sexless life. She’d spend half her afterlife hiding behind clouds. Also I can’t image 72 dead male virgins would be much for upkeep on the heavenly home.
If there are male virgins, gay martyrs are back in play but I think there might be a better recruiting angle. Instead of telling prospective martyrs they get 72 virgins if they go blow themselves up, tell them that they will be one of the virgins to a gay martyr. The choice is clear. Either they blow themselves up on earth or they spend their afterlife blowing something else.
Finally, what if the virgins, whether male or female, gay or straight, are from other religions. What sort of major sin must one commit to die a virgin and then have to spend your afterlife in heaven as a slave to some smelly martyr? It seems like it would be worse than hell to be in heaven but to spend your afterlife with a murder who keeps trying to ride you like a camel.
Post No. 190a: The Dangers of Being Peculiar
3 weeks ago